I am Vicki and im 25 years old. from the age of 13 until about a year ago, i thought i WAS my ED and nothing else.Now im learning better, and that there is a big difference between being Ed's slave and suffering with an illness. I know that there is a difference and that Im not my ED, and im getting stronger, and im going to get stronger still. Sometimes i think that i cant do this, but realy i know that i can. I just have to believ that i can and not be afraid to talk and ask for help anymore.
I dont need to weigh my self esteem. At the moment, my bloods are messed up-according to my doctor, i play Russian roulette with my electrolytes and im seriously anaemic.This scares me, and spurs me on in my recovery-i dont want to die, i want to live!and thats a big big change, and im proud of it. My Health isnt so great right now, as i have a few problems resulting form my Ed behaviour. I have an ulcer in my stomach.my cheeks are swollen from purging, amd my throat is raw.I have blood shot eyes and i throw up blood.sometimes my tummy hurts so mch i cannot move. BUT IM GOING TO GET BETTER BECAUSE I WANT THIS CHANCE SO MUCH FOR MYSELF.
I think im hideously fat and ugly, but really that is what ED thinks.I feel scared and lonely and overwhelmed, useless and worthless-but this is BECAUSE OF ED.
I like feeling safe and happy and secure. I like achieving positive things.I like to be the best friend to people i can be, as my friends count as m family-the members that i choose. I like to be indepndent, bt to have people thatcare around me. I'm NOT MATERIALISTIC(big hang up of mine, cos i love clothes and fashion etc) but i like the way clothes can make you fel-like you can play different parts of yourself.I love to create. I love bows!!!I love my ponies, and refuse to let ED take the fun out of it.I dont need to be the best, I need to be happy.I love the sea and to surf!I love my flat, and i lovemy friends so so much.I like to read, and im excited as i am apprehentious about starting uni again in september.I'm super proud i got into Brunel and interview fpr st Georges, as what I have wanted forever.
I dislike feeling lost and out of control and insecure, and i realise now that ED makes me feel all these things, and doesn take them away. I know i have to accept my past, and make my future count-make it what I want it to be.
Im ready and want to work toward getting better now.I know this is what i have to do, however long and difficult, to feel happy with myself, because thats what everyone deserves, and that includes ME even though i dont believ it right now, and often think im a bad person.That can change if i try hard enough and believe.
.I am only responsible for MY recovery.
I feel gulty for writing this, but i am also a bit proud.
I want to be happy and content.I want to have friends and halthy relationships. I want to be a mother. I want to be a fabulous friend:) I want to be a physiotherapist and do trauma work for the NHS. I have dreams and thats ok. Losing weight does not have to be my goal.I can learn to carry my own load, and cpe with it to.I do not need ED to hold me back, make me pay and do it for me. I want to wear great big bows every day and not feel silly and embaressed by myself!
I want to be me.And learn who me really is:)
I can do all of these things, feel all of these things, as long as i stay strong and positive. I can turn it around, and i can make things better.
Dont forget this,
Lots of love
me xxxxxxxx
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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7 comments:
Your amazing am so proud of you for writing this, It is hard to work through all of everything esp if Ed has been a large factor in coping for so long. But that doesn't mean he controls you, no way.
you are you, but learning to be you is the hardest part, accepting you is even harder but working towards yourself is the greatest achievement. Working towards the prays that one day you can wake up and remember you once had an eating disorder will feel so fucking amazing (in fact there are prob not enuf words to cover this) that it makes recovery so worth every day.
But recovery is the process to re-gaining your life and its all about working through the bad days but adding more good days to the pile so that the bad days are lessened.
your amazing and am always here for you
xxx
I had written out a whole big reply and my internet dropped out! I just wanted to say that one day, it won't always be like this. It's so good that you can see the good things about yourself as the ED often tries to erase all of this. One day this will all just be a memory and you will think back and see how far you've come. I think you are doing so so well. Keep on going and give the ED a kick in the butt, just because you can ;-)
Sarah
thankyou:) xxx
You should be fabulously proud of yourself for writing this. Like Sairs said, one day you will be able to look back and see how far you've come from this day. You are right--you are not your ED and you are so much more and so much more beautiful than your ED will let you believe. I had a hard time believing that I could be something without ED but the longer I go without, the more I realize how good life can actually be. You can do this. You have so much about yourself that it wonderful and you know that. Keep going! Email me if you ever need to talk--jessie.hyland@gmail.com
thank you for your comments about my photos. I did have a seriously manic moment and wrote a seriously manic post about all the comments, then i got a seriously depressive feeling that I had gone too far and had a seriously paranoid feeling that I shouldn't have said what I said, then had an anxiety attack and removed the post. Now I'm exhausted, lol. I like your name by the way. I got this little packet of perfect bows last week, all in different purples, my fav colour and I am going to use them for cards, though I did end up putting one on Ziggy, my little plush lion. I didn't mean to crap on, was only saying thank you, so thank you :-) Oh I love your design of this blog. It's really cute :-)
Well said :-)
You CAN do this, and you CAN be happy!
Sarah x
You did so well well writing this and recognising all the different parts of you. Its so great that you can see the positive parts of yourself and that ED isnt quite strong enough to stop these feeling coming through. ED is weak and you CAN defeat it, and you will defeat it. Wll done hun, your doing so well, you should be so proud of yourself xxx
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