I've got a secret.or two.maybe three.

Is emptyness the same as pureness?

The story of the holy water
My mum is catholic, and was very religious when i was younger. She once went on this catholic pilgrimege thing to lourdes and came back with a bottle of holy water, which she split in to smaller bottles, so there was one in most rooms.very plain ordinary looking bottles.remember that!
EWhen i was a bout fifteen i was a rebelious little cow for a few months, i was home from boarding school for hols and spent all  the time i wasnt riding or competeing sneaking out with my girl tommi (her parents thought she was going to be a boy, so she has the unforturtunate, if not unusual name of tomacina!). So one friday night, we dressed up as only 2 fifteen year olds can (and i cringe when i think!) and sneaked out. We blagged our way into a club her bro worked on the door for, got drunk and got up to no good. got home, snuck in through my window-it was late,and mum would have lost ot bigstyle, and tumbled on to my bedroom floor.i went to the bathroom, came back, and went to get us some water, but when i got back, tommi had mistaken the holy water for bottle with drinking water in it-remember it looked pretty ordinary and she was very drunk!i laughed my arse off at her, and a few hours later, she went green and puked her guts up.I guess water thats festered in a bottle for that long aint healthy, no matter how holy!filled the bottle with tap water and mum never knew.oops.

Just read an email i got from her today, and she asked me if i remembered that night, and she swrote, 'well atleast it made me nice and pure ' hahaha

is emptyness the same as pureness?

pure.clean.whole.complete

.I'm not going to go all religious on you-neither is that story ment to cause offense. Im not religious at all, but i have respect for others beliefs.

secret two.I'm anything but.
she got me thinking, and maybe, she hit the nail on its hed, so to speak. Theres no doubting that my Ed got worse after i was abused. Because i sure as hell dont feel pure.i feel this dirty ickyness, used through and through and it never goes away.sometimes its worse, and i feel repulsive, so i binge and purge.sometimes i think that if i can be empty, all the feelings will go, so i will feel 'purer'.so i restrict.
sometimes i feel so dirty like i can contamiate others with my thoughts and 'dirtyness'.soemtimes i find myself washing with bleach to try and feel clean again.today i found myself manically cleaning my house, and its never enough.my insides feel dirty, and my head feels messed.

secret three.the big one.
there are a lot of times when i think id be better off dead.but im not brave enough to do anything about it.i dont know wether thats a good or bad thing.
after it happened, and i got home, and i started working at this really busy yard, i went out everynight and got drunk as punk.anything to not think.sometimes i thought that having one night stands would make me feel better, erase the thoughts that he had been there.sometimes i used to freak out and go insane if a bloke touched me.i used to cry if i saw new babies.because i hate him even more for that. smewhere in this mush,  met a lovely guy.he put up with a lot of shit from me.we eventually split up bevcause he couldnt handle what ammounted to a relationship with Ed.i dont blame him for that.one time he went to hug me and i went apecrazy at him, hit him, screamed at him, like it was reflex.that was scary.

i feel like a  freak. your only as sick as your secrets.