Last night i got told by a surgeon that if id cut any deeper i would have perforated my stomach and died. Hows that for a reality check.
ok, thats probably the wrong place to start. I've just been feeling so frustrated recently, and i think it all caught up with me. Im really disappointed in myself that i've turned to self injury in an attempt to get some space from ED.
But there is no way in hell things are staying this way!
So last night was real upset and ended up making an exsisiting cut kinda worse...worrying thing is that it didnt look that bad-really wasnt sure it needed looking at at all, then got there and registrar started freaking out and calling surgeons to check things. Anyhow i guess i was so busy feeling miserable that i forgot that, actually, I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS! Binging, purging and restricting, self injury, this things all just make me feel like shit. And yeh, its a big part of me and the way i have learnt to cope...and il probably always be uncomfortable with my weight...
but il tell you something for nothing...
THIS IS NOT HOW MY LIFE IS GOING TO BE ANY FREAKING MORE!
im going to be exactly who i want to be, know matter how long it takes me to find out. And im going to go to uni wherever i want, and im going to do everything to make it a happy time for me.
you cant change the past, but neither should you have to live amongst its broken pieces either.
so, ok, im not going to morph into somebody i like and respect overnight, but im going to give it my all to get free from all this crap. I dont want to spend the rest of my life talking to doctors and out of hours services, and i dont want to have to go to A and E and feel im wasting their time with something i did to myself...They were really nice though last night, have to say. i've had some crap getting treatment for SI wounds before, but everyone last night was really good, and spoke to me like i was someone who actually, like had feelings, and a functional brain, which makes a change. I freaked out big style when the surgeons came to check me over, but the registrar doc was lovely, stayed and spoke to me like i was someone that mattered.
Hmn, maybe thats because...shock horror-i am someone who matters.
xxx
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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3 comments:
woo am liking this new post - you do matter, you do deserve a happy life. The hard part is sticking through the crap Ed and Si throw at you but seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is the best part and recovery is worth it.
that light at the end is not a train with its lights on - its the sunshine at perranporth when ur bobbing up and down on ur half board..
stay with it vick there are always 'better days'
xxx
You are worth it hun, so, so worth it.
You will continue your journey to getting over this throught this new year.
And yes, sometimes it will feel like crap, and you will feel like ED or SI are winning, but there will always be you under the suface and you know you can beat them. You are stronger.
Good luck in 2010 hun, you know where I am if you need me xxx
Hey Vicki!
Your post makes me wish I could give ya a big cuddle. Thank goodness you didn't go any deeper because you are worth it!
I havn't left my house for about 7 weeks now, and im missing the most beautiful NZ summer. But i wasn't trying to get better for the first 5 weeks. I was quite happy living in binge purge restrict etc etc. I decided I am worth it about 5 days ago. 2010 is a year for recovery for me and I am sending you lots of light for your journey aswel. its going to be so worth it in the end when we can look at our ED's and know that we have more control over the ED than the ED has over us. xxx
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