it does indeed go a bit like this...(and please give me some advice re stomach lining tear)

I started this blog with the intention of bolstering myself through recovery and using it as an outlet and support. So an apology for how this post is going to go... Cos im crap and ive had it. I just cant deal anymore. Im not being all 'woe betide me' here, though im sure it comes across that way. But i feel so misearble and alone, i just cant see a future for myself. I sent my UCAS form off yesterday. I dont know why i even bothered, cos with a bit of luck i wont be around by next september.Im not sure how much i mean that. ED thinks im worthless and i might as well be dead. Cos if im not following his gameplan for me then i might as well not bother. Now i do know better than that...I HATE ED AND I HATE THat I DONT KNOW WHO I AM (excuse the caps), buti just have this all consuming, overwhelming feeling off being rotten and bad and worthless through and through. so i go through each day, and its the same old crap everyday. I can just about get through the day, in a kinda zombie state, and its not for wan of trying, beleive me. i try lots of things to distract myself, and i fall into the whole domestic routine thing, and i go for walks etc etc. I think half the prob is that i dont feel i deserve to do the things that i enjoy, cos im not working.So if im not working i shouldnt get to do the fun stuff. Im having a hard time getting me head round this.It took my doc a long time to get me to agree to a period of absense from work, and now as much as i dont feel well enough to be working, i feel so lazy for it also.

i dont know where im going with this.

Also has anyone ever had experience of tearing their stomach lining.If so would you please give me some advice.Ok, so ive done this a few times now, pretty badly, had cameras down there and stuff. And it was healing up.but the other day i just lostit, had a bit of a slip and purged real bad, and there was so much blood. I think it's a new tear, and it hurts so bad, but im to ashamed to tell my doc how bad it is...told him it was just a little blood, cos i hate that i let him down.But hell, im in soo much pain cant describe, i know its my own fault for being such an idiot, but any advice on managing this. I knwo the stuff about not purging to let it heal and im trying soo hard to fight ed, but please if you have any ways og soothing, things to eat that wont iritate so much, please let me know, id really appreciate it.

xxx