Apply some pressure...

Today i have been listening to Maximo park's 'apply some pressure', cos really, it seems quite appropriate.
i think we feel pressure in lots of different ways, and maybe from a lot of people, including ou=rselves, and Ed itself during recovery.

.Pressure from yourself..i should be doing better, i shouldnt have binged/purged, i should be hitting higher targets, i have to be the best at everything (actually, these things are kinda Ed's domain as well)

.Pressure from ED-'you loser, how do you think you are going to cope without me etc etc, too depressed to go on.

.Pressure from family-'why arent you better, surely all you have to do is eat?!'ARG dont get me started, or theres always the approach of 'why are you being stupid, theres nothing wrong with you!'.that one is my 'special favourite'. oh and the whole' your such a failure, why arent you doing better at uni, why arent you riding competitvly, you should be riding for Brit team, etc etc etc forever more.

.pressure from friends...to be fair, this isnt a massive issue for me with my best friends at all, cos basically they all rock and understand that im trying my best, and that really is enough. But sometimes, with friends you have isolated from(Or Ed doesnt like you seeing) its soo hard. They want to go for meals, they cant understand that getting better isnt just about eating, and they dont always get you need time alone. Yes, partly I'm to blame here, for not explaining everything, but i dont want to be labelled as the girl with bulimia by like everyone, so choose to tell only my best friends the details, as they support me.

.Pressure from therapists and doctors
I'm still waiting for a therapy referal. But i have been to groups run by the Ed treatment centre, and i often felt like i was failing to meet their expectations, failing to improve to their allocated time scale, so i felt pressure from this. I also, in a way felt pressure from the group, like i wanted to have positive things to say, and felt crap having once agan binged or whatever in the week...i guess you all know what im getting at. Also, where i live, their is a real lack of mental health services in general, so there is also an element of feeling that you have to be at the worst you could possibly be before you get any help...which goes against every bit of me striving for recovery.
My GP is my hero lol, he is so supportive and helpful and is doing his best pushing referals, and encourages me to see him a couple of times a week just to have a talk while im waiting for referal, just to let things out a bit. The thing is cos hes so fab, i feel like im letting him down for not getting better already, yknow. I know that that is in my head, and im pretty sure he doesnt think that-but its still a thought that bothers me.

I could go on, but this is making me feel a bit depressesd

'lets see what we can do if we apply some pressure'

my families motto.

xxx