Loss

I remember sitting in my room at halls, it was so cold, and i had so many layers on. nothing was fitting quite right, and it was weird-i'd lost weight from not eating, but now i was putting it on-but i was still pretty much existing on diet coke and the odd piece of fruit.

ignoring my phone ringing and ringing and ringing.

ignoring emails from friends at home;letters i always ment to reply to piled up on the side.

I'd been at uni for 4 months, and i could count the number of lectures id managed to go to.

everyone hated me.i'm not even slightly kidding. I got skewy drunk one night, and a couple of girls filled in the blanks in what had happened. I thought they were my frineds, i thought i had people i could trust.finally. No No NO all kinds of no. See, they got all self rightous and wanted everyone to know-they thought it was there story to tell. Then they found out who it was. That wasnt hard.I went to a lecture, and he sat behind me, and i flinched and cried and ran away, seeing the mocking look in his eyes. Then i found out that one of the girls had a bit of a thing with him.

and then my life was HELL.

and all the time, slowely but surely, this thing was growing inside me.and i had no idea. I felt sick all the time-but that goes with the territory when your anxiety level is throught the roof and beyond.

About that time we started our dissection practicals-and it was an automatic fail for the year if you didnt show up. The afternoon before we were given our new dissection kits, and boxes of replacement blades. I think that £30 was the most damaging money i have ever spent in my life. The concerned looks i got from a second year welfare rep, on a combined year option, as i took my lab coat off. halfway through that day, i coudnt take anymore. I went to the loos, with a blade in my pocket, and oh the relief. its never. ever been like it was that day again. M, the welfare rep followed me-asked if i was ok. im fine fine fine.

the thing inside me gets bigger.

i eat less and less and still my belly grows rounder. Tired, so tired i sleep through whole days, and through the night.

I am sitting in my room when it happens. I have just returned from a meeting with the dean of the vet faculty. Seems they dont appreciate the rumours that are circulating-which were started my those girls, never me, and something that noone ever belived. Why would i do that anyway?makes no sense. Anyhow they told me to shut up or get out. I had shut up long ago.

I went home via asda, and bought a bottle of archers, and some vanilla vodka. If your gonna be miserable, at least be drunk whilst doing so. And i had my blades. I was safe in my room.

As it happens i never got that far. I went into the kitchen to get a glass, and hurried back to my room, locking the door, locking the world out. A note from \Rich under the door, asking if i was ok. Did i want to go out later?no, i did not.

layed down on my bed and cried and cried.

And then i felt the thing kick. unmistakable, it did it again, summersaults in my tummy.

theres only so long you can be in denial for.

a positive pregnancy test.

sometimes, life just keeps on giving.

a life for a life.

a part of him, inside of me.

see, theres some things that will stay with you for the rest of your life. It doesnt matter what happens to him at court. It doesnt. because nothing will ever ever change the fact that he turned my life inside out, broke it at the seams.and left me woth another life.

a life for a life.

numbness, shock, resigned to the fact. no longer alone.comfort. the thing got bigger and for 3 days, it kept me alive, it kept me going, it gave me reason, i was no longer alone.

and then BANG.

repulsion, horror, sickening, disgust.

NO NO NO

i will never forgive myself.

the doctors said it was too late. they didnt know how i had got pregnant-or they would have helped me, according to my current GP.

i had a scan. A baby on the screen.The biggest mistake of my life was looking. you can fall in love and hate all at the same time.

I told Rich. he made some phonecalls.

I used all of my student loan, maxed a credit card, and rich put the rest on his. He drove me there, squeezing my knee, telling me over and over it was ok, it was an ok thing to do. I love rich.

A waiting room. A doctor, asking me all sorts of things i didnt really know the answers to.was i sure? did i realise that the only option at that stage was to induce labor?

The worst 26 hours of my life.

The nurse wasnt fast enough.I saw my little thing. And that was when i realised that i had done the worst thing i could ever have done.

You dont need to beat me to it-i hate myself.i do.

the worng thing for asll the right reasons, or the right thing for all the wrong reasons. I dont know.

I hate him. He will never know what he has done to me. Because whatever they ask me in court, he will never know how he tore me in two.

and that is why i deserve to hurt, and i deserve to cut myself. over and over again.

a life for a life.