After that (continues from last post) Trigger warning.

 Back at uni, alone in my room, with the scan picture of my little thing. shut the world out. alone in every sense.

Endless letters and emails from lecturers, missing tutorials, practical days, failing midterms. I dont DO failure-never have, my brain cant quite process it. Which is a bit shit really considering how much i have failed.

Halls manager coming to my room, asking if i was ok, why i wasnt going in to uni.

I'm fine fine fine.please go away.please leave me alone.

more rumours.

End of term. Dragged myself to the last lectures of the week. He saw me, nudges and whispers. By this point even rich wasnt having a lot to do with me-not really surprising the grief he got for associating with me. Tutors pulling me back afterwards, balling me out. Like i cared.

So I tried one last time to tell someone.

It got me nowhere.

locked my door, shut all the windows and blinds. first the prozac-the doc thought i might be 'a little depressed'. Down that went. Then the iron tablets, a whole bottle. paracetamol, ibuprofen, codeine, Vodka, bang, down they went. Then cutting. Didnt get much further before i passed out. woke up in hospital, bruised and battered-stomach pumps are not a lot of fun.

went straight from hospital to home. Home home i mean-back to london. didnt even take all my stuff with me, the hall warden arranged to store it for me.

I was home for about 2 days before i broke down.I tried to tell mum. And she threw me out for having had an abortion (catholic). and that was that.

So i sold my competition horses, and bought out of my sponsorship deals woth the proceeds. I got a live in job at a riding  school and livery yard, and lost myself, surrendered to the steady routine of the job. Up at 6.feed yards, muck out.Breakfast (or not). Ride, teach, lunch(or not). Teach, groom, evening yards, dinner (or not). shower, get changed, go out, get drunk, come back home and start again the next day. Repeat x2 years. Occasionally get so completely hammered you sleep with guys, anything to get the thought, the creeping feel of him away from you. I thought i could mark over it, lose it, but you never can.Not really.

and then STOP.

enough.

you try again, only you are far wiser this time.different method. you think you have been careful, but you get found (and you truly did not want to be-this was no cry for help) and hello hospital for 2-3 weeks.

Then suddenly a while after that you find yourself working in a hotel in the backarse of cornwall and not really knowing how you got there. This is not a geographical relocation that i would reccomend.

A few months after that i seem to have qualified as a veterninary nurse.how the fuck that happemned il never really know. I might have been there, but my head was someplace else entirely.

and now-well now ive just finished college all over again.And im still trying to figure out why the hell im still here, in every sense.

20 days until the courtcase.

shit.