in over my head

im in way over my head. I cant cope-i cant. sorry, this should probably have a trigger warning.

The defense tore my into shreds today.

In the space of 2 1/2 hors, i was portrayed as a  drunk student girl, a druggie, a slut, someone who 'just changed their mind', a headcase, a liar,  and someone who who had a 'grievance' and was jealous.erm yeh.the only grievance i have is that i feel like im the one on trial here.

But that i could cope with.That i expected, and knew it was coming. I knew they would make a massive deal of  me not telling anyone at the hospital what happened-but i was mashed on the drugs i was spiked with. I was scared of the police, who said i had a weak case, and then having noone belive me didnt make me feel that inclined to go back to the police.I mean, noone in that situation would make it even more shitter for themselves.

But that,I could deal with, just about.It was shit, i cried, and i puked from anxiety.

but talking about my termination-oh, im sorry, 'alleged' termination in court is NOT ON. They were trying to make out that i was a slag-from a catholic family, pregnant, and needed a reason to have a termination that my family would except. OH GO FUCK YOURSELVES DEFENSE. my family hated me anyway. and since i had an abortion because i was RAPED (a fact you convieniantly forget) your logic is twisted anyway.

 I hate this.Im tired of going over and over what happened-dont they get how immensly painful it is. everyone looking at me as i break down. And on it goes tomorow, becasue i was too upset to continue today.

icing on the cake-they spent most of yesterday trying to get my evidence disregarded due to my depression-apparantly the defense doubt my 'mental capacity to recall the true event'.

oh excuse me for being ill.Might i point out that your fucking client is half the reason im ill in the first place.

i.hate.this. i dont know how i can get through this again tomorow.

i got back early this evening to the hotel, and dismanteled the convieniently provided disposable razor from the bathroom.i looked at it for a really long time. they are still on the side, mocking me.i want to do the most unbelievable damage to myself right now. I cant let myself, becasue i dont think id stop until i was dead, And a ridiculous a reason as it is-well im not dying until that bastard has got eerything thats coming to him.