This time next week I'll be back in Liverpool, in some scummy hotel room counting down the hours until it all gets a whole lot worse. Clearly, I can hardly wait.
I've had a really horrible day.I've been pulled to pieces by lawyers on the phone, and been warned that there is likely to be a fair amount of trouble kicking off in Liverpool around the court. fabulous. One of my best friends has completely blown me off and replaced me with far cooler people and im still having my jobcentre fun. I really wish I had some friends that would just call me to say hey, drop by with no kind of agenda-but i dont. I have friends who only ever call me when they need something. Like, really. I'm not sure how the hell it happened, but i managed to get a rep for being the person that always knows what to do-which is pretty dumb when you think about it. And im so sick of it. I've tried talking to people about it, and nothing changes. I wouldnt even mind, but it doesnt work both ways. Because now i really need a friend-and noone wants to know. And, yeh, dont tell me they just feel awkward, and dont know what to say-yeh fine, but for fuck sake, id be there in a flash for one of them, all i want is some distraction.
To add to this general fabulousness i got into a massive state earlier and ended up cutting pretty bad. It took out of hours a really long time to convince me to go to the hosp-it makes me so so anxious-people touching me, and not feeling like im in control, and the endless questions. So i go up there and end up seeing a doc i havnt seen before. And jeezus, all i needed was a little bit of time, yknow. A and E was dead-i was like there only patient-literally, so there was no need for her to rush the way she did. She made me feel so uncomfortable, pushing my hands away from my tummy so she could look, pulling my arm away when i flinched, jamming my knee out of the way. I cant even begin to explain how much i cant handle people touching me right now. And she pushed all of my buttons, even when i managed to explain and ask her to not do that. She put the local anaesthetic in, and didnt wait for it to work before she started, but just carried on when i said it really hurt. I was crying so much by this point-cos of the whole thing, and i wasnt numb at all, and she wouldnt put more local in, cos she said it would be quicker to just carry on. So thats the second time ive now had stitches with no anaesthetic. Then afterwards she went for it good and proper with the 'evils of self harm lecture'.Yes, she prob thought she was helping. But she knows nothing about me at all. And telling me that cutting myself makes me a bad inadequate person isnt really going to help. And that, yes the courtcase, and my mum dying must have been sad, but i need ot just move on'.well yeh-what do you think im trying to do. Its really not that long since mum died, and there is so much other shit tied up in this court case that is all going to get unravelled. She told me that i should get over it and stop thinking i was the unluckiest person in the world-well FUCK YOU. Anyone that knows anything about me knows that one of the things i always stand by is that everything is relative-'its all relative' is something i say at least once a day. Of course there are people worse off than me-i know that.of course i do. people have been through some monstrous stuff, far worse than you or i could ever imagine.But you know what-sometimes its not about what happemed-its about where it got you, and how you deal with it(or not).
So yes-i do feel pretty damn sorry for myself right now. Its taken me 6 years to realise that its ok to feel that way;that its ok to be upset and angry, and feel hard done by. Sonetines its ok to be self indulgent, be selfish and do what you need to do. And im not going to feel guilty for that. Because its ok that im upset-and fuck it, im delaing with 6 years worth of repressed upset.so yeh, i will feel sorry formyself. I'm not going to wallow forever-ill pull myself back upo again, and yes, i will move on. But when im ready to do that; when i wake up in the morning and im not bursting into tears, when i can cuddle up with jack without having flashbacks-thats when il know its ok.
so-I am NEVER, no matter what, or how bad anything might be, going to A&E again. Noone deserves that kind of treatment. I still feel cringey thinking about the needle dragging through my skin. I think it caught a nerve at one pint, cos i actually thought i was gonna pass out with how much it freaking hurt. Also, in the haste-one of the stitches must have been put in funny, or to tight, cos its split the skin and just opened the wound mor ewhere its pulled out. Fucking OUCH.
Its ok to feel upset, and its ok to feel the way i do right now.
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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4 comments:
jobcentres make no sense...hmmm...
Oh kitten. If I could I'd pop round and make you watch the moomins.
Yes, you are allowed to feel crappy. You are allowed to feel your feelings. Try not to pay too much attention to that doctor you saw. And ouch about the anaesthetic..surely that's just not right.
Is anyone going with you to the courtcase for support?
Please remember that none of this is your fault, despite getting dragged down by lawyers.
much love xxx
It IS ok to feel upset and you DO deserve better treatment than you recieved. Sending lots more hugs your way.
Sarah x
*hugstight*
Some people really are assholes towards people who hurt themselves. I know people like that at my hospital. I want to urge you not to make any promises to yourself about not going to the ER if you need to. Because if you need to, you need to. Your life isn't worth giving up in anger. Do you remember the doctors name/face? Maybe if they give you the same doctor again you can refuse to be cared for by her again. Because you don't deserve that nastiness, and you have the right to refuse to be treated by such an ass. *hugs* Be angry, its only right. But don't let that anger make things worse for you - you need to take care of yourself, even when its difficult. Going to the A&E is excellent and needed. I'm glad you went, even though the experience was terrible and you didn't want to go.
I hope things start coming round for you soon. I'll be thinking of you. I think you're being v. mature and strong, btw. Realizing that its okay to be upset like this and not getting angry at yourself for feelings you can't control is Outstanding. It HASN'T been long since you lost your Mum, and adding the stress of courts onto your grief has made things much harder. *hugs again* Take care of yourself, love. I worry about you.
Oh, goodness, im sorry about all this. I HATE it when people try to guilt others because of self-harm or depression. Like, "why do you have right to be depressed when there are people who blahblahblah?" and all that nonsense. Don't they realize we hurt ourselves out of negative feelings, so why pile MORE negative feelings (guilt, anger, etc) on top of that? I dont think ill ever understand.
Its absolutely okay to feel sorry for yourself and shitty about your situation. Its illogical to say that the only person with any right to be sad is the one who's the worst off. Throw yourself as big a pity party as you need. Just be sure it doesnt last too long, dear. There is healing and hope to be found.. the key is finding it.
You are strong.
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