gotcha thinking

Well, i'm doing freaking out about St Georges for tomight (see last post), cos i have finally excepted there is actually nothing i can do until tomorow morning. I am NOT losing my place for some stupoid reason after all this crap from the last year. And there is no way in hell that i went to that cacky college for no reason.

so that aside, two other things have got me really thinking.

Jack told me last might that im a total flirt. This is something i had never really realised, but he rekons my shy girl thing (which is really me!) is totally a come on. weird. he was teasing, and we were messing around. But it leads to this-i've never denied that i had a drink at that party-although i know i wasnt hammered before i had THAT drink. And i WAS talking to him-and it sickens me to remember-but i dis think he was cute, i did fancy him-or i wouldnt have been talking with him so long-i would have runaway and hid, yknow. So maybe i titally led him on.Maybe hes right.That he was just getting what he thought he should have been. I am so confussed. I had a phonecall today from the prosectution team (yay, love them calls) and they were talking with me about some of the things the defense are going to try and pull apart-and the fact that people say that i was flirting with him, talking with him all night is something they made a thing of. And now my brain HURTS.

and something really weird happened this afternoon. I went for a walk, the ay i often go, down the apth my the river, that runs near town, and this girl stopped me and said 'I just wanted to say-and please dont think im being weird-that your really pretty. I see you around all the time, and i just wanted to tell you, yknow'.

how weird IS that.Not her, obviously, thats not what i mean.shes sweet, and beyond button-cute. Just weird. I mean, i look like im about to give birth to an entire litter. I keep looking at this pic of me on fb and thinking-omg how ENOURMOUS do i look, must delete. despite having a tan, my face is so pale  people still ask if i have some sort of lethal disease i havnt told them about-which is pretty disheartening, consodering i have finally decided pale is the way forward. So it just kinda spun me out. And made me think about ED sufferes as a whole-and how the ways in which we view ourselves is vastly different to the way others see us(not that im saying im pretty here, if this makes sense). Back home in London ive seen plenty of size zero girls-and yknow what-they all just looked unhealthy, no matter how pretty they were, that was the thing that stuck out.

I see this, and i still wish that were me. which is maybe why its such a bastard to eat right now. And yet im still the size of, well, someone who is about to give birth to an entire nation.

ED-1 ME-0