the fourth trip

The first time i went to Liverpool-well i should have realised it didnt bode well! I got the coach up from London for my vet school interview-with my mum, as it happens, i think she was keen to make sure i went, cos it certainly wasnt no exercise in bonding. Anyway we got the night coach, and arrived in Liverpool at 5am, and didnt need to be at the uni until 9am, so we spent ages trying to warm up in the coach station cafe, before walking dwon to the uni. It was freezing cold, pissing with rain and i didnt want to be there. The interview was fine-apart from the fact that i managed to insult the chief veterinary inspector to his face about the foot and mouth crisis(i didnt realise who he was), and i guess i entertained them, cos i got in. After the interviews, we had a quick look around the rest of the campus, and a little bit of town-liverpool is HUGE, then we had to get the bus back to London.

verdict-i hated it. But it was really far away from my messed up family-further than my other option, Cmbridge, so Liverpool it was.

The second time i went to Liverpool I had my stuff packed up in boxes in a car-i think id finally done somthing right for my mum. The horses were also being taken up there, so i could still compete in the nationals.swell. But i as finally away from my nutty family. my mum and my stpdad stayed for about 5 seconds after they dropped me to halls, and then i unpacked. The room was weird, and i didnt like it. I met Rich when he moved in down the hall, and we drank tea and giggled nervously a lot. I felt inferior to everyone else in that block, and it was even worse when the runour started after that party happened. I just remember sitting in there in my room, locking the door and praying id be left alone, and that someone would save me from this hell.

The third time i went to Liverpool was with my friend, recently, to finally pick up my things from halls.

and the Fourth time is now, to go to court. if i see him i am going to die, the last bit of me that is left.is that what he wants? Its going to be the same.Im going to be in a hotel room, this time, but still the same-hoping that someone can save me from this hell.

cos i really dont hink i can do this. i really honestly dont know how i am going to get through this. I know i should just grow a pair, and get on with it-but i cant do it. I cant even tlk about it anymore now-i feel all 'blocked' and confused.so how am i gonna tell people i dont even know. it took me a year and a half to tell home treatment team what was actually wrong-and i LIKE talking with some of those guys.

arg.arg.shit.

im not doin it.il just plead insanity and get out of it, cos not like i'd be lying or anything. But...even though i know i could technically get out of this by pleading 'instability and ill health'-I cant do that either.

cos that makes sense,right?

At the end of the day-i know what happened, even if it gets twisted byond ll belief. And i think that accepting tht i am not to blame will alwasy be the thing that will help me the most. But i think of all the people who never had a chance to speak up, so may women, and i kind of feel like id be letting girl-kind down by not doing this.

I guess il just plead insanity when i get back
xxxx