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 When I was little i was terrified of going to the dentist (I still am actually, its gets worse the older i get), which is completely irrational, because its not like i ever needed lots of treatment or anything (i wish this were true now, but sadly not-bulimia ruins your teeth). Anyway, I used to make all sorts of bargains with, erm, fate i guess-you know the kind-'if i keep my room tidy/clean my tack properly/do my homework/dont eat to keep mum happy then 'appointment day will neevr come, or it will get cancelled or something'. Know what i mean? I used to wish for things to happen to stop me going-even really bad things like crashing the car on the way (noone would get hurt-wed just bump it, but we would be so late would have to cancel etc etc), literally anything to PUT IT OFF. I'm still that way to a large extent now. All the really hideous things, i put them off until i really have to do them. I never seem to learn that getting it done with is so much better-i know that-but i still do that anyhow.

I'm actually kinda doing it now. I guess ive been doing it all week actually. Desperately wishing for something-anything-to stop this from happening. Its not that I want him to be able to just walk away from it-its just that i do no not want to be there under any circumstances. The scenarios that i conjure up to stop this from happening seem now much more like actual possibilities now im older-I could go and smash a car up and hurt myself so i couldnt go. I could cut really badly so i know id be in hospital;I could OD, or i could kill myself.  I could do any of these things.but would i?should i?


I dont know the answer to that, but i dont necessarily think it matters.

But would putting it off make it worse-well the relief would be there for a day or so. Then the super turbo charged anxiety would once again kick in, and if  its anything like the last 2 weeks, then i really dont want to know what that would be like longterm. well, i do, but you know what i mean. Clearly, there is going to be no last minute reprieve. yeh, cheers for that, powers that be.  And short of being dead, i have to go, or i will be arreseted and made to go-sucks giving evidence for the prosecution.

I am terrified. That doesnt even begin to describe it. I cant even talk about it without throwing up, courtesy of my friend 'super anxiety', so thats gonna be a barrel of laughs.

And what if noone belives what im saying?i cant got hrough that again, I cant ohysically deal with seeing him get away with it again. its akways on his terms-at uni he had control of the situation, he made my ife hell. He couldnt even stop at abusing me (i still cant say the R word out loud.handy eh?), he had to stick the knife in more and more everyday.

even my mum didnt believe me when i told her. If even your own mum doesnt take you seriously, then who the hell else is going to? SHe was so busy being angry about everything else-being a uni dropout, a team GB dropout, having a termination, that she just wasnt prepared to take anything else that i said. Because she must have had such a high opinion of me, NOT.

I hate liverpool-i hate the place, i hate the associations it has.I hat the atmosphere-fuck ot, i hate everything about it (im sorry if your scouse and reading this, im hoping you understand). I dont want to BE THERE, see all the old places, and feel like i did then all over again.It was all such a misery. And i dont want to see anyone, especially considering the 'support' HE has up there.

Im scared, im sick of being me, and im sick of being alone