Facts of life

I'm scared

I miss my mum

actually i'm terrified. Its so stupid, because surely this is not as bad as when it actually happened.So why does it feel even worse?

I feel so overwhelmingly lonely. And disconnected. The loneliness is probably my fault. I'm a shit friend, and i always think people are 'just putting up with me'. I feel at ease with so few people right now. But i cant bear to feel this isolated for much longer. I guess in part its difficult, just becasue i dont know that many people in cornwall, and the cornish are not always that friendly to 'foreigners'. But i can almost HEAR how lonely i am sometimes, its so amplified.

I think I need to split up with my boyfriend. before it ends up with him being 'my carer' and not my boyfriend. Its not been intentional-and i know he is just worried for me, and thats just how he is-he wants to help me feel better, he wants to make me feel cared for. but what if he is doing that cos he is scared to leave me-maybe he thinks i'll lose it even more. I dunno.But he is too lovely for me to mess up. He deserves someone better.

I probably should have stayed in hospital, and I prob should have listened when they told me to stay put in bed today and move as little as possible.seems there was a reason for that. Fuck, im going crazy from the pain of it aqgain like before. Im so freaking stupid. Moral-dont ever think its a good idea to flick the blade of a craft knife out when you have the end pressed against your tummy. For 2 reasons-IT fucking HURTS and the pain is not worth the very temporary relief you will get.Its realy not-though clearly this is something i have yet to grasp. And 2-if someone else DID that to you, you call it a 'stab wound' and call the police. I think that kinda tells you something there. Its not like i can do a weeks solid bed rest anyway-I leave on tuesday.

I wish I were someone else.Possibly Lily Allen, or Emily from skins (because she is my style icon lol). Lily beacause she wears ballgowns to tesco and says what she thinks no matter what.

At the same time, I also wish I were dead.