STOP

Stop, i need to STOP
see everything in my life feels like its running away from me, everything is going so fast around me, and theres me, oblivious to whats actually happening.


Poss trigger warning

I realised today-and got really upset-that i dont have a clue what is going on with anyone else in my life right now.And, dont please jump in and say 'oh it doesnt matter'-cos i think it does-but i havnt a clue how anyone in bloggy world is doing.And i care about everyone, and i have made some really GOOD friends here, people i can talk with and be myself.And i know its the internet blah blah, but hopefully you know what i mean. And i felt really really upset that i havnt been there for anyone else whilst wallowing in my own misery, which is neither helpful, or productive, but feels like my default setting right now. So this is a messsage for all my gals-im sorry and i hope your all doing as best as can be. I havnt spoken to one of my best friends for weeks-she is impossible to get on the phone anyway, thast just DL for you, but i suddenly realised just how much i missed her-and hopw afraid i am to get in touch with her. Shes got all these super cool friends, and theres me, in exactly the same place.

Today i went to plymouth with shiz,my other best friend, and we had such a fun time-just for a little while i was just lost in sillyness and bows and me for a while. My brother sent me some vocuhers to say well doen for finishing college, and heck i shouldnt have done it, but i spent about £70 of them today. But fuck it, amybe i deserved it-the fun day i mean. sometimes i think im so hard on me, and sometimes i think i dont give myself a hard enought time. Anyhow, i ended up buying a BEAUTIFUL dress from republic, by miso, and an amazing skirt from River Island, which is pale yellow, and covered in this brilliant bird print. which i have been lusting over. And bought the usual array of random stuff from primark-including a fabulous skirt covered in bows, and speaking of bows, i bought lots of new hair bows, cos there aint nothing like a bow to cheer me up.oh god im sooo materialistic. sometimes i wish i wasnt so bloody clothes obsesses, and sometimes i think, ah well, thats just me.

and it also strikes me as odd that i did that today, when what does it matter in comparrison to everything else.its just stupid, right?

sorry, weird mood, please can someone help me sort my life out, please?

STOP.
also refers to the fact that i got myself so muddled up upon coming home fab day out and how i didnt deserve the stuff i got, that i ended up in a messy situation with SI. I stopped before i got really bad-i dont know how-like i really dont, suddenly, and i just thought-its just the same thing over and over, and like jessie from synedouche tells me, quite rightly-it hasnt got me anywhere new.

but now im sitting here really confussed.I needed to hurt myself to make it right.And i couldnt because i stopped-but i stopped because i knew that i am doing some really bad damage to myself. but sometimes i dont care about that,so why suddenly now?I am so confused.

so bloody confused.And now i feel like i need to finish off what i started.