a right botched job-TRIGGER WARNING

i got back from liverpool on friday evening. I cant actually bear to talk about that right now.

I wanted to die.that was that.


Big deep cut in tummy, bleeding out, call HTT who clock im about do do myself in.

hello hospital

 In the process, i managed to severe the nerves that contol your ability to pee. This is not fun. nrses made me drink litres of water-like literally-to try and force me to go.They left me for 12 hours, doubled over in pain, unable to do anything. If it were not for fabulous bella and kiz, i think i would have riped a hole in my bladder so it could empty. no kidding-there is NO discomfort and pain like that. I had to beg for them to catherteise me, and they would only ut a temp one in-and low and behold there was over a litre of urine in my bladder.oh the pain. they took it out and left me from 11pm t gone 12 the next day in the same state, until they puta long stay one in. The uroloist came to see me-and it was very traumatic, because they have to feel inside you to check things-and owing to recent events-well i wasnt really coping with that. Leaving me in a complete state all day, but noone would talk to me-they thought i was attention seeking.they wanted to take the catheter out, and i refused-not to be awkward, but NOONE was going any where near down there when i was in that state.they eventually took it out that night, and left me for 13 hours unable to pee before they put it back in. bythis point iwas infloods of tears. then the psyc team came and basicaly siad they couldnt give me anysupport or help, because they thought i should just deal wih it. so i refused to leave until they got me an ED appointment-im not normally a bitch, but im so desperate right now. especially when several people told me today that there is no reason why they shouldt see me.ARG.

the nurses on the ward said i wasnt medically fit to leave.through the floor bp, still unable  to pee and mega pain from wound-i do know its my fault-but you cannot discharge someone who cant even pee!so they took the cath out, and guess what-its 7hours later, by bladder is full to bursting point and there is nothing i can do at ome abou it.oh, and having been tld by the psycs that thy will be pissed if i go back to hospital,i do not know how to deal.

so hey-i ruined my life even more.cos now it sems im gonna need a permanent catheter.


Im so depressed-not in an 'oh im so dwon kind of way', more like 'i cannot go on like this, with no help, and feeling this ill.i want to die'. i didnt ask to be born, afterall.