Priorities

my priorities and HTT's and my doctors idea of what my priorities should be are vastly different.

Mine include becoming rather more attatched to my duvet and moomin books than i already am, avoiding A&E, keeping my diet coke and diazepam levels topped up, with the odd cheese sandwich thrown in(dont ask), filing in forms for uni and pretending its winter so i dont have to feel bad about not wanting to do summer- like activities. Oh and then theres the obvious ones like attempting to ignore how close court is getting, not thinking about what im going to have to say, and oh, basic thinks like keeping myself alive. Its like, a full time job.

Theirs include trying to force me out of my house-what is with that anyway? If i wanted to go out , I would.Yes blah, blah exercise is good for your mood. But I'm TIRED.Ive just finished college, which totally battered my brain(and exhasted me, 3 hours on the worlds crappest bus service everyday.if theres a pothole/ditch/hazard, rest assured first direct bus drivers accelerate straight over them), and i want to just mooch around my house in my pajamas and get some energy back. Also, they are so obsessed with taking me out for tea and cake. I mean SERIOUSLY please tell me im not the only one who can see what a piss take that is?! I mean someone who questions the fat content of diazepam tablets, isnt really gonna be that keen on the cake option.And them watching me eat.And why would i want to have the conversations they have with me IN PUBLIC?!. They also think its an excellent idea for me to go over what i need to say in court several times a day. Yeh, i do see the logic in that, i really honestly do-it becomes familiar so you dont notice what you are saying. But heres the main prob with that-i think about it, it gets stuck in my head, i cant distract myself from it, and then hello A&E. But there main priorities are to eat 3 meals and 2 snacks a day and to not SI. well yeh, thats mine too. But they sem to be missing out the in between bits.

basically there priorites are the opposite of mine. I think however |I can get through these next couple of weeks will be how it is, i cant change lifetime habits right now-im not saying i dont want to, just that its obviously more difficult right now.And im still trying.But them getting shitty with me about it right now is so not helping me. Sometimes i honestly just think you have to coast through things the best way that you can. I'm trying to eat, and im trying not to SI, and that really is the best I can do right now. I also think I know myself a whole lot better than they do, contrary to what they seem to think, with their one size fits all policies.DOnt get me wrong, i think some of the team are brilliant, and i have so much respect for their ideas and opinions. But I know that chilling out at home, where i feel comfortable, and curling up with my duvet is really sometimes the best thing for me. I know that, and i wish that they would respect that my opinions are valid-cos when it comes down to it, they dont know me as well as i know me.