Okay, so you can have more than one beginning!:)

So last night was another A and E trip-to get wound re- stitched and dressed-top stitch caught on sticky bit of dressing...OUCH you can imagine the rest! Was fine though, just got it stitched again, and had a nice talk with the lovely registrar again last night. It's nice to finally find people who understand, dont judge or dissmiss you, and actually listen, Cos i've had some crap getting SI wounds treated before-not like i need the lecture, I'm already ashamed as hell about it, ta very much!

Had to go and see my lovely doctor this morn (is it a bit wrong that im, like in love with him?...ok, i know it is, but how just how wrong is it...just a bit?? haha)and had a nice chat with him, lol he was kinda surprised that i was allowed to leave the hosp the other night! He did tell me he was getting a little worried, which he never says, normally humours me and teases me about being nuts-which is cool, cos it means i can talk to him about whats really wrong, cos he gtes that i need to kinda joke about it to deal with talking about it. So have to see him and CPN tomorrow, which will probably mean Htt again, but thats fine, will be an incentive to keep focussed on giving ED hell!

Because I really ment everyword of my last post. I am not freaking living like this anymore, and well, i've done enough damage already, not like it would be a good idea to clock up anymore on ED's behalf.

I once read something in a book, that for me, perfectly described my ED.

" I paid ED to carry my bad feelings. Ed carries little bad feelings for a small price, and big bad feelings for big prices. I couldnt afford to pay Ed to carry my biggest problem, and the horrendous feelings associated with it.I had spent all i had.I paid in small amounts over many years, but they add up, and the sum is equally devastating. I paid by disconnecting from my life, and becoming exactly what Ed wanted me to be. But ED started demanding payback big time. It said 'ok, i'll carry that for you, but its gonna be expensive.Il replace the bad feelings.You'll have to pay me with your life."

" ...so Ed comes and takes away the pain, you dont ask, it just does.It tells you the pain is too great and takes it from your body.In a sense, Ed rescues you.It doesnt want you to be hurt. ED cares bout you in the beginning, will fool you into believing its your greatest friend. It saves your life.then it kills you."

Both from 'Emily's Story-first it saves your life, then it kills you', from the book 'Biting the hand that starves you-inspiring resistance to Anorexia/Bulimia' If you want details of the book, its in one of my forst posts, or leave me a comment.

I think that says it all really.

I can do this, I can save myself, and I can live a life without ED...because I really am worth recovery. And so are you all. :)

xxx