Day at a time...more like hour at a time!

Today has put me in such a bad mood! made it into college, which took a wholelot of guts, and was totally pointless, afternoon lecture cancelled, which was the one being moderated, so had to sit through hours of 'mitosis and meiosis' this morn(i swear my A levels and Year at uni previous complete waste of time-this course is like middle school!), hang around all lunch break (hardest part) for like, no reason!! Got the same old crap from the same old people, I hate It when people cant keep theie nasty opinions to themselves :( got such a hard time today. And had thought ahead and taken 'safe' food with me for lunch, but some girl jusdt kept digging at me about it. while they all had junky stuff from canteen-fine, i dont care what they eat, so why dig at me?!

Anyway, had a nice surprise when I got home, nice letter and parcel from one of my best gals, and when i went to docs, said my electrolyte count finally sorting itself out, wohoo!

Earlier was reading 'bite by bite', bulimia recovery bible (not!well, depends what mood im in!:) ) and theres alot of talk about taking it day by day...

now does anyone else think that its a wholelot more like hour by hour sometimes! because the whole 'i am never going to binge/purge/restrict/self harm/binge drink ever again.ever. thing is totally overwhelming, and makes you feel like you have failed already, and that things will never improve....we all know that feeling, right? Much better to try and think of it in terms of lots of little short term goals eg today im going to try my best not too....but i will also try not to beat myself up if i fail. Well sometimes I find even thinking in terms of days frightening, especially the bad ones that feel long, empty and endless.

So something that has really been helping me with self injury, is trying to put it off for an hour-with the mindset that its just an hour, and im not denying that i could do it if there was no other way, in an hour. This isnt as negative and dodgy as it sounds at all- because i realised what frightens me is the 'i need to change forever right now thinking'. and by saying to myself, well its just an hour, or half an hour, then i cam see how i feel-one, it doesnt seem so impossible, and two-ive been doing this for a while now, and after the end of an hour, have always manged to add more hours, until i just dont want to self injure anymore. I guess its kind of revevrsing the all or nothing thinking patterns that arecommon with ED. I'm obviously not trying to ram stuff down peoples throats, id never do that. But its working and helping me, so thought id share it. I'm trying this way of thinking with my ED as well, but its sooohard, but nothings impossible. And i'm back to mamaging to delay purging after i eat, as the first step to cutting down the amount i purge.

In someways, im doing better than i think, but in a lot of ways, well i guess i ignore a lot of what i do-or well at least i used to.Maybe i feel its getting worse, because before, well it was just what i did-binge/purge/freakout, that i was so used to it-well, sounds silly, but i dont think i noticed a lot of what i was doing. Heck I started having problems with ED when i was 12, and its taken me til NOW to realise I need to get better for me.

Anyway, thats enough for one night i rekon!

any ideas/comments/thoughts always appreciated.

xxx