Inexplicably tearful
Really bloody tired
Hungry (I know, its just one of those days, im trying ok!)
Hugely Fat and Ugly and manky
Bored of myself
stuck
like people hear, but dont always listen ( Before my friends start yelling at me, I dont mean you, ok!)
frustrated
Anxious-because I have a lot to do...but can't really make myself see the point of it
Lonely, but overwhelmed by people at the same time
I guess that'l do for starters! I think that a lot of things are worrying me right now, but an awful lot of them are out of my control. So I really need to try and let that go, and maybe work on the things I can fix. It also annoys me how stuck I get in routine, If something deviates, It really upsets me and throws me off course, and its weird, cos now I need to know exactly when things are happening if I make plans, etc and I never used to be like that.
I feel terribly self indulgent right now. I guess I always do if im talking about how Im doing. Liike it shouldnt be the big deal it sounds written down, actually, maybe thats the way i write.
omgosh I swear all ihave done today is Pee!sorry, its driving me INSANE!(not duiretics, i spend enough of my life peeing already!)
I also feel awkward writing on here now, like I cant be honest, I feel I have to tiptoe around how I am, and what I want to write about, so It doesnt start world war 3 again. I'm so sick of going over the same ground, and justifying myself to people.Im trying, and If thats not good enough, well what else do you want me to do!
This started as a blog for me, to help me learn to talk about how I feel, and f I cant do that honestly for fear of upsetting people, then theres no point. I guess I might take a break for a while.
Remember, 'courage doesnt always roar...'
xxx
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
Posts
1 comment:
I'm going good. It's been a turbulent month for me. I had just finished working on a film and hit a wall! I also work in quite a superficial sort of industry sometimes as I am a make-up artist.. its weird because i'm quite tom-boyish and don't wear make-up myself but i end up talking a lot of beauty-Baloney. and sometimes it can really take over. I am also petrified of people finding my blog haha and going "OH MY GOD YOUR BULIMIC.. HOW REVOLTING!"
I have one friend who I could be completely honest with. i was flatting with her overseas this year and i was totally anorexic at the time (she is a recovered addict so she "gets is"), anyway i spoke to her last night, she is the only person who knows where the hell I am even. I just moved back to my parents, turned facebook chat off, turned my cellphone off, and just binged,restricted, purged, whatever dawn till dusk. Its probably the most intensive period I have had ever, so only one place to go from here and thats get better .
and the day i missed my first therapy for 2010 i was like... whoa I will not get better unless I seek help. and accept help. and what I am doing is so not working out. so I am following a meal plan really well, and writing it all down as this is what I am required to do for my recovery team, and I am blogging away, and writing to work,friends and whoever I have been feeling anxious about, and sort of working through all the small things one at a time.
One thing I have gained from being at home is this new peace with myself... i mean I can sit and keep myself busy now and be O.K with taking things slow and not worry about missing out on life. I am going to start getting creative and painting and making things and trying to make each day as good as i can without worrying about much. i have been looking into this course, its a yoga therapy course. you dont actually sit there doing poses the whole time, its like a personal development environment where you learn to love and accept yourself and yoga beliefs and the universe rarara my friend did it full time to help with some grief and she has just bloomed in confidence and happiness. i am this full on work focussed ambitious person and i think i just need to take a serious chill pill and be ok with that. (also you dont need to publish this one as i just felt like rambling, and p.s your not bombarding my blog, its great!!! thank you! how are you?)
are you public with your eating disorder with all the people you know, do they know your blog exists? xx
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