Its got to be my way...

"Let them know that you know best...after all you do know best..."

'How to save a life', By The Fray

I've been thinking a bit about this over the last couple of days or so, because its really important and i never really realised it before.

Only YOU can know the best way forward for your recovery, and only YOU will know what pace works best for you, or wether you are setting yourself up to fail. Even the cleverest therapist in the world wont truly know what you are thinking unless you tell them.

Because a lot of people you see will suggest what THEY think might help you-groups, individual therapy, OT, workshops and MH projects, counselling, seeing a dietician, phoning various support lines...but i guess you have to figure out what will help YOU the most, and not just nod in all the right places, yknow. I've been to group therapy for ED and I find it uncomfortable, stressfull, intimidating and triggering for me, so i'm not keen for more of it. I know it works for others, but doesnt mean its right for ME.

I saw my CPN today, and she was asking what I thought would be the best way forward. I think, largley as a result of being passed from person to person through the system, them dumped when I needed the help most, I'm quite distrustful and unsure of talking things through with people...which is what I need to do to work through it all. So we had a real nice chat about it, and bith decided together that what I really needed was to see someone for a gauranteed amount of time, no matter what, which could then be extended (with the same therapist) if need be. And we also agreed that it would help to keep seeing my GP regulary whilst I'm waiting for this to happen, because I find him most helpful at the moment. I also said that i would like to see the dietician again, because this would help me plan things, so hopefully am going to get somewhere with the service this time...

But if not, well I want to get better for ME so I'll manage somehow.

And my way, does NOT mean ED's way!! I think I need to learn to trust myself again, and trust the fact that, really I do know whats best for me, you just have to keep om kicking Ed's intervention to the side and keep saying its what YOU want, not ED that matters. Easier said than done!

So my way means-

1.excepting that it is going to take time, and try very hard to not put large expectations on myself for overnight change.

2.Instead of Ed carrying the load for me, gradually take it back and talk it through. Because if I 'own' my own problens again, then that in theory, should give me space from Ed, kind of like a payment and returns system.

3.figuring out a meal plan that seems possible, rather than mission IMpossible.

4.Slowly cutting down on purging behaviours, rather than just stopping altogether.For a start, thats like asking to fail, and would make me miserable everytime I slipped up. Instead aim to cut this down as eating becomes more routine and level, little by little.This should reduce the feeling that i need to compensate for everyhing eaten in the first stages of recovery, whilst initialy trying to reduce vomiting.

5.Ask for a med review.They arnt doing anything, so would rather take nothing, or something that might actually help life my mood. Cos after the numerous times I've been given prozac, i think i really do know best on this one...it doesnt work for me. Yes, it reduces my appetite, which then enables me to fall into 'restrict mode', which isnt going to help me get better. But it doesnt help shift my low mood/depression so I no longer want to take it.

6.Trusting myself to know that actually, there is nothing wrong with being alone to work things through in your own space. So I'm not going to feel bad for wanting space anymore, becuase i matter, and therefore so does what works for me. Being alone Isnt unhealthy if you want it, not ED, and I shouldnt feel bad because not everyone agrees with this.

I guess thats it for starters!

"First it saves you...and then it kills you." ( 'Emily's story', detailed previously)

So you have to FIGHT to save your own life

(haha i really ought to be working for hallmark greetings cards!but you all know where im coming from!)

Lets GO!
xxx