useless, cos i always write such moany, doom and gloom blog posts. But I can never SAY this stuff, so maybe writing it down is the first step.
Like im missing out on everything. Confused, lonely and scared that its always going to be this way. And like I've lost a big part of me I dont know how to get back anymore. Theres all these different parts of me but they just dont add up.
Pieces of me- well, im already a bit stuck, trying to untangle it all from Ed. I love my friends, and having a giggle and getting up to no good. I love having never ending chats with my best gals. I love making things-clothes, jewelery, collages, anything really. I love sorting through my button jar! I love clothes, and how they can make you feel you are trying out different characters-but mostly i love finding Vic style dresses!I'm not materialistic, but i love all my 'pretty things'.I like being on my own woth a good book.And i like knowing whats coming next. I'm opinionated(well i used to be), and proud of it. I believ that friends are the family that you chose for yourself. I'm pretty shy, but all my good friends say im mouthy, loud and funny! I like being different, and not being one of the crowd(when im feeling brave). The thing is, I can write all this-but its because these are things people would tell me about myself. I dont recognise myself anymore-its like im acting out the role of me and im someone else entirely. All the quirks of me-well i dont think they really exist anymore.
Pieces of ED
The thing is-well if i dont play by Ed's rules, if i dont keep to the gameplan...well i cant deal with the consequences. How can you want recovery and freedom so badly, but be so terrified of what this essentially means dealing with. Ed took away my bad stuff, and gave me soemthing I could do...well if i stop doing it...well i get the baggage back. all at once.crash and burn. so pieces of Ed-well i feel useless and worhtless, and that io have nothing left to give. That im a sorry excuse for a life.FAT, so fat.scared of life.scared of everything.I dont know me anymore, because all i know is what ED turned me into. So i keep everything tight inside and concentrate on 'being the best', at whatever cost.I cant fail anything.NO NO NO. I feel i have to withdraw away from everyone. I have real bad urges to hurt myself, because i think i dont deserve to live. And that anything i can do to myself will never hurt enought to block whats going on inside...so it gets worse and worse.I cant do this.But how can i not?I feel lost in my own skin.That i cant be happy, or get enjoyment from anything. Nothings ever good enough.I wish i could give myself a break, but i dont know how. So i binge and i purge and i cut and i get all the badness out.and then i restrict and then i do it all again.and i hate myself so much for doing this.13 years of hell and i cant stop. Dont think im not trying-i give it all i have everyday now.But i feel like Ed is puling me back so tight everytime i take a step away. The pieces of ED outway the pieces of me, turn me inside out and into someone i dont know anymore.So i guess ED's right.I am useless-because im failing at recovery.
Put them all together
Thats me.you get a confused mess of a girl.sometimes i want to live.and sometimes i want a one way ticket out of here. But hey, if you spend enough time thinking that-well life literally carries on without you, and leaves you behind.
So thats me.maybe im all of the above.maybe im none of the above.The truth is, at the moment, i really dont know.
To be myself completely...
Someone told me the other day that they tried to be like me...because i can be quite sociable when im hiding behind one of the pieces of me...it made me really sad-I dont want to be me!
so what do i want to be...happy.confident in myself and my abilities.able to cope.friendly, trustworthy and loyal. I dont think im any of these things with ED, but I could be without. above all...well i want to learn what im really about. And not just rely on other peoples views of the 'pieces of me'.
I doubt any of this makes sense.
xxx
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
Posts
3 comments:
this makes a lot of sense! sometimes it is so hard to figure out who we are, what we want,why people like us, and sometimes i feel like a fraud in different situations. I think this is so human. even the most famous people in the world or the people you look up to in life feel like this. It sometimes just feels like its all the time. love yourself and be kind to yourself. you sound like you are really creative with style, and I really hope you can see what all of your friends and family see. and see the negative thoughts less. ED can feel like it has stolen part of us, but it is always there, i think ED just overpowers it and what you think is lost.. is actually just in the shadows and its a journey to slowly take control of our ED and chip away at it so we can see what has been behind the whole time.
thankyou:) thats really made me think.hope your ok:)
xoxo
haha sleep talkin man is the business!
im doing pretty good. i have a way ahead. but there has been a huge amount of changes between the last 10 days. so im just going to keep on giving it my all.
when u said you separate your blogs because u separate your ed from you, that really changed me.
now im like... watching for the bastard
haha
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