So, adding wine to the afore mentioned diet really doesnt improve it. And please dont get the wrong idea-im not advocating being a druggie-its just that anything that makes me feel even slightly calmer is a good thing right now/
I know its not good for me. But im so scared to eat.I feel massive right now.And i started purging a lot again.I am such a freak-which is stupid.id never say that of anyone else-and would genuinely believe it too.
Also, sorry im not commenting much.Im a but here, there and everywhere right now. and have major comp issues.grrr.
I feel really bad though for not being there for everyone else more, when everyone is so supportive of me.
The court case is on the 21st July. So i need to be in Liverpool on the 20th.whuch is like really not long away. What if i see him?what if i see anyone else?my old uni tutor is going to be there, and the welfare rep-I simultaneously want to scream at then for not helping and believing ,e, and run a million miles. Its all such a piss take. If they had listened to me then-well there wouldnt be 4 other girls going to give evidence about the same \bastard boy. and thats really really sad.|I should have tried harder.\i feel so responsible.
What i mean by the title of thi spost is this-clearly, im not at my best right now. And SI is getting really out of hand. And Ed is knocking me down. so its not pessimism-but as the doc at A&E said-im doing bad enough damage now.So im actually pretty worried about what i might no in Liverpool. Its not about negative thinking-its about realism with regards to my not coping-ness right now. Coping strategies-yeh i know that.But what the fuck ARE they??and if you say playdough i will probably go insane. The thing is try.i really do.Noone likes rocking up to a and e with the frequency i have been lately. It just falls back to this-anything that makes me feel even slightly less anxious right now is worth it.i know thats bad,and i also know-that really its not true.But the truth is, i cnt find anything to replace it with, and fuck, its not for the want of trying.
so yeh-im worried about what might happen during the courtcase.
xxx
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
Posts
4 comments:
Angel do you have someone to be with you in Liverpool?
And I know we spoke before about it and you were having trouble getting support from the rape and abuse centre but I really think if you were to tell them about the court case and how its affecting you that you would be eligible for support now.
Sweetie I know youre hurting and with that hurt comes self destruction and the desire to take back control of what was hurt - your body, your mind, your self. But that wont make this better baby.
Use this energy, this pain, the anger and frustration use it, harness it and channel into saving yourself not destroying yourself.
I know that sounds impossible right now but the thing is it is entirely possible. Ive been doing it since I was nineteen -
not easy, not always successful, draining, exhausting, frustrating but worth it.
Because that way in the end - you have you. You are not a victim angel - you are a survivor.
You survived
now its time to learn to live again.
I love you and I have my phone always. I know Im crap with contact of late but you can call or text me anytime you hear? xxx
I agree with the paper dolly, you need someone in Liverpool, you need as much support as you can get.
Don't feel bad for not commenting etc, because you have enough to deal with right now, and need to be focusing on you.
I cannot imagine how difficult it must be trying to deal with the ED and the SI, and it's crucial to ensure you have some support for July.
In fact, paper dolly says it so well, I'm not sure I can add anything more useful, but hopefully July will bring you some sense of resolution and closure.
Thinking of you and sending hugs...
Sarah x
I hope it all goes well for you lovely lady, and if you're really against eating right now try getting some slimfast or protein shakes maybe? they don't really feel like eating so it might lessen the urge and if you have 3-4 a day you're getting enough in your body. My boyfriend used to be anorexic so I know how difficult it is to get through anything like this.... Just keep trying and focus on the good things maybe try some crafting and making hairbows or something to take your mind off? (surely anthing involving bows will make you feel a little better?) xxxxxxx
just want to tell you...I'm here...listening...in your corner. Sarah
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