I cant believe im actually going to write about this on my blog, but hey, what can you do?!
see ive got a LOVELY boyfriend. and although we havnt officaly been together that long, if your gonna get technical, he has been waiting for me to sort myself out since last september!no pressure, he just made it clear he wanted to be with me, but wanted me to feel in a better place first. I met him at college, and we all know how much i hate my college, but he just came along, plonked himself down next to me and that was that!and now i couldnt get rid of him if i tried, haha
so heres the thing. and let me get this clear right now-there is absolutely no pressure from him to do anything. and yeh, i guess he gets a bot frustrated, bt i think its more with the fact that he doesnt know what to do to help me. cos the whole thing absolutely terrifies me. Now thats not really surprising considering. and when i got back form uni after 'that thing' i got drunk and slept with someone just so i didnt feel like i still had a trace of that bastard on me.i know thst weird. But its so different. I think im really getting to love this guy(and i should point out, i was seeing him for a while before i admitted to it!it was a whole 'thing' i couldnt talk about) and i know that makes sleeping with him a bigger deal-because it matters, it matter that we'd want to, and yknow, itd be more than getting a quick fumble.
so the thing is, i keep freaking out. so we can be kissing, and haing a cuddle, and i might go a little further, then something clicks in my head, and i just go BONKERS and have to get him away from me like NOW. i even hit him once, just from like impulse from what was going on in my head. he gets it.cos he knows-well he knows enough to understand. and hes great.
But i feel like a freak.
is he just sticking around cos he knows im fairly nuts, and hes worried about what i might do, or is he sticking around cos he likes me.
i dunno.
and is this gonna get easier?
and what about my si scars?
its a whole thing.
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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3 comments:
Hun if he's as decent as he sounds, he will be sensitive towards your needs and compassionate about your struggles. Besides the total plonkers out there, there are also some pretty decent guys, and hopefully this is one of them.
Don't put pressure on yourself, and don't be afraid to give yourself all the time and space you need. Any guy who is worth your time will respect this.
Sarah x
Aw Vics. I've been through a really similar thing so I have some idea of how you feel. When I started seeing my first long term boyfriend I was really, really nervy about sex. I hadn't slept with anyone before or after what had happened to me a year previously, but I had been friends with this guy for years and I trusted him not to push me into anything or hurt me. In the event it was six months before we slept together. Before that we kissed a lot, fooled around and even slept in the same bed, but always with the understanding that we wouldn't be having sex until I felt entirely comfortable.
I've heard/seen this advice given to other people who have been through sexual trauma so I'm going to pass it on. Next time you're with him, make it absolutely clear about how far you want to go, and don't even try to take it further than that. After a few days/weeks of doing this you start feeling in control of the situation - you know you have the final say as to what happens, and your body and mind start to realise that you're not in any danger. Then you naturally start feeling ready to take it further. Like I said, it took me six months, but when I did finally go through with it there was no anxiety and no flashbacks, and I stayed with my bloke for another three years after that. It gets easier, I promise. I was a bit nervous with my new relationship too but it's been a hundred times easier than it was six years ago with the last guy, and I don't feel anxious at all about it now. If you want to talk about it you are more than welcome to send me a message on facebook or something, since I've been there and done that!
thanks guys xxx
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