I dont like taking psychiatric meds. fullstop. i dont like it. it makes me feel like my emotions are fake, and slowed down. I accept that they have their place, and i would agree that i do need to take them right now;i just dont like it.
I felt like a walking chemist coming out of my doctors today.seriously. I had prescriptions for -sertraline, huge amounts of antibiotics (if i ever think of cutting in to my freaking bowel again, il just shoot myself, after ripping off all my nails and plucking every hair off my body.it would be so much LESS painful), painkillers, antihistamines, ointment for my scars (i get eczema, and the scars on my tummy have got a bit weird where im having a bit of a flare up) and diazepam.
I dont like diazepam, because i dont like what it stands for. My doc is loathe to giving me large amounts of medication (we have an agreement!), partly because its a good way of making me go back to see him regulary. He's especially not keen on giving me diazepam, lorazepam etc (possibly because i used to have a tendency to knock a packet back and wash it down with 6 bottles of wine...)so i know that things arnt that great when he OFFERS to give it to me. it just reinforces in my mind how much im screwing up.its just a me thing-im not saying that the med is bad.i dont think this about anyone else-its just an opinion of me.
I know im stresses becase college is turning into mission impossible.like really. and i know thats why im a massive ball of anxiety.and i know that anything that helps break this binge-purge-SI-purge some more cycle is a really good thing.but AAARRRRGGGGG sometimes i just want to be irrational, ok?! im also not very keen on the serious sleepyness it induces in me, which is NOT helpful right now.the only way im gonna finish college is to work 23 and a 1/2 hours a day, with minimal loo breaks. and also it has this other weirdo effect on my, that NOONE beleives me about. when i took it last summer for a while, i had the weirdest electric shock feelings in my hands when i touched anything.it was horrible, but everyone just thought i was a freak when i tried to explain about it.i wasnt withdrawing, just taking it EXACTLY as prescribed, at a fairly low dose. im really scared to take it in case it happens again.
i really dont know why im still writing on this blog.it just makes me upset.
xxxx
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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3 comments:
Hmmmm....those drugs are a tricky business. On one hand - they help anxiety, on another, they don't let you feel control, and can have really strange side effects.
Ok, that wasn't helpful in the slightest, so lets think logically, do your pro's outweigh your cons? Only you can answer that one...also I'm worried about the amount of stress you are putting yourself under at the moment with college, is there no way you can get a deadline extension?
xxxxxx
new mini poem:
Drugs, drugs, 'glorious' drugs,
there's nothing quite like them for curing the bugs.
But they make you feel hollow.
And sometimes you wallow,
and feel full of sorrow,
because of 'glorious' drugs. Dum Dum duuum!
Can you tell it's late and I'm tired by the quality of my poem?
Im glad you keep writting, I know I dont comment much but I always read...I know you are hurting and I hurt with you..stay safe take the drugs ( I too am a walking pharmacy) but they are there for a reason..I think...much love, keep fighting, I will fight if you do...promise
Love love
xoxoxo
Tara
I know how you feel about the meds, but sometimes I think it might help and I do think you're exactly right, that anything that can help you break through these cycles you're stuck in is a good thing. This doesn't have to be forever, you can maybe take it for a awhile to see if it helps. And if it doesn't you don't have to keep taking it.
xoxo
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