So, i should probably start with a trigger warning on this post-im not really sure what exactly for-life maybe?-but im going to talk about SI
Its a fine line, but its there. Its hazy at the edges, and hard to define, but its definately closing in. In its nature, self harm is deliberate-the reasons behind it are not, nor does the act of it sometimes FEEL that its deliberate. But its not like a 'falling down the stairs kinda axxident'-at some level, theres intent there. I know this, and i acknowlege this.
I've been refered to home treatment team again-its like a default thing when CMHT cant figure out what to do. This is a result of some pretty bad SI, and the fact that i seem to have forgotten how to eat, because obviously, the diet coke and diazepam diet is a winner.like obviously.
So ive had a lot of talks with people, basically about the fact that if im not careful-im gonna end up accidently killing myself. Or at the very least with a colostomy bag. So its a fine line between whjats deliberate-what i feel i need to do at the time to feel better-or what i end up accidently doing in the process. Its not about how bad it is when it happens-its about 'has it stopped me thinking about everything'. And to acheive this-well it always seems to go further than i ever intend. Tonight, i cut into an artery in my stomach-and was incredibly lucky i only nicked it.nothing like your own personal fountain of blood literally squirting out of you to scare the living daylights out of yourself.
I guess i need to give the line some very clear definition.Its unrealistic to expect to stop this behaviour overnight. Although id like nothing more. If your reading this and you have never self injured-DONT EVER START.
The trouble is-well a lot of the time-i dont actually care if i end up 'accidently' killing myself.
cos the problem is-its just not a deterent.
xxx
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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I was just reading about "ambivalent suicide" and wondered how every time is almost ambivalent. How can you ever really know? It's a very thin line, and I hope you don't have to cross it too many more times in your life!
Aw hun. You are right, nothing can change overnight, but this doesn't mean there can't be a more gradual change for the better. There are plenty of people who care, me included, and I believe that the world is a much better place with you in it.
Hugs
Sarah x
Oh honey honey honey,
BIG MASSIVE BEAR HUGS
Apologies for taking forever to reply and I need to reply to your email! They cut our internet off, and I've literally just moved...so hopeully I'll grab time today to email you some love. I really don't know what to suggest, but I agree with Sarah. This world needs you.
Please know that I'm thinking about you and that I care
much love
xxx
(ps. sorry this comment is so useless).xx
I used to SI, but nowhere near as bad as you do. I really, really hope some day you can find something that helps!
the deterrant for self harm i think is rarely death
it certainly wasnt for me
the deterant for self harm was life.
You have such potential
such beauty and creativity
you have and do know intense pain and thats such a terrible thing but it also means you have empathy for others and you show that in such precious ways.
For me I guess its light and dark
both cannot be in the same place at the same time.
And though it may feel like the darkness is thick and oppressive and all consuming it is NOT because your light, your beautiful light and the life and hope that lies in you shines.
There is always hope little one
always
dont lose sight of that
because you truly are worth more than this.
p.s. ill try call tomorrow after work I need to talk to you about something related to liverpool and support xxx
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