scare tactics...i think they actually worked...(trigger warning, SI)

I got really scared today. but i think, in the long run, its totally helped.
So, once again i found myself rocking up in a and e today.This was due to a number of reasons really. massive stress and anxirty, about pretty much everything you can think of.ive got til friday next week to get all my work in, and i really dont think its possible-and im not just being a pessimist here.and im terrified i wont be able to do it, because I NEED to move away and start uni, i need to settle somewhere else and start again in my head.and i cannot wait yet another year to do this, defering is totally something i do not want to do.uni will give me something to focus on after the court case, which i will need to get me through.and i want to get on with my life, yknow. the other big resaon is that i got such an arsy email from someone that should really know better. i swear my tutor is waiting for me to fial so he can be like 'well, you should have come to more lessons instead of sending so much time in hibernation, in hospital etc etc etc'. knob.

anyway so i ended up cutting quite deep again.cos im stupid and i forgot how much it fucking HURT last time.swell. so i get to a and e and nurse got kind of worried and hooked me up to loads of machines and things, cos i apparntly lost a bit too much blood.they ended up giving me some fluids, and i felt a lot better after that. anyway i saw a really nice doctor, who's seen me there before.shes so unjudgeental and understanding, said shes had friends in similar situations, and she gets how it might feel helpful to me. but she looked at it, and got all serious, proper doc mode. I nicked where i had started healing up inside from last time, and she said i was beyond lucky i stopped where i did.she also told me that if i do this again, im going to be in hospital for a long time, having a bowel ressection. apparantly internal scar tissue on your bowel is very bad news.and you end up woth colostomy bags.and she has seen it happen a few times, so she is not just trying to scare ten shades of hell out of me. if i nick that bllod vessel one more time, i will need a graft. she saw someone last year who had to have their arm AMPUTATED because they cut so much, and cut their graft off the artery so  many times it could no longer be fixed, and had no blood supply.this woulb be BAD NEWS in your stomach.

FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUUUUCK!

pardon mon francais, im really freaked about this.ok, i knew you could do some damge, i was just in denial about how bad it could be.i thought id done the worst i could do.and what scares the hell out of me is that each time i end upcutting, its always worse than the last to get the same releif.

she wasnt saying it to lecture-she said it all really nicely-she just really wanted me to see what could happen.she said she was really worried about how deep i was cutting, and spent a really long time trying to help me figure out other thingsi could do.she even told me about 'safer' ways of cutting-which she totally wasnt supposed to-and said that its better to do a hundered shallow cuts than one deep as fuck one, and that mayve that would give the same effect.though, obviously, the scars would be a bitch.

the thing is, im really greatful for her for taking the time to make me see

but now i feel so ashamed of myself.and i didnt realise how scarily common si IS.and i cant stop thinking about the girl who lost her arm, and how she might have been feeling to get that way.

this is fucking terrifying.

i thought they were being over cautious with all the ops and scans i hd for my bowel.no one ever admitted to me just how serious the implications are.oh my freaking god.i feel scared anxious, and sressed.

which ironically, is triggering me to want to cut so bad.

i guess my self destruct button is jammed in. NOOOOOOOOOO i cant i cant i cant

i am taking total responsilbility for the way i react to my feelings here-i just really wish people would think more before they are so unneccessarily bitchy.

i really wish i had someone to talk this through with, cos it feels way to big right now.

i want to cut cos im scared about this,how screwy is that?but i know that i cant. I mean, i cant even change a hoover bad without making t spill out, what hope wouldni have with a stomach bag(im taking piss out of myself here, please do not think im being disrespectful to anyone-im truly not),

help please