...i think i learnt something over the last week or so.
Maladaptive coping behaviours do nothing but spring you right back to where you were before. Do not advance, do not pass go, do not collect £200.
They dont help you move forward. Even when you are lost in listening to your ED-well losing weight might make you feel your making progress, but all you are really doing is moving backwards, slowely but surely. Self injury might make you feel better in the moment, relieve your tension-but dealing with th shame, pain, getting treatment etc etc only brings you crashing back down to what a failure you really feel like. Notice i use the phrase 'feel like'-because self injury does not make anyone a loser (unless your me.cos im a hypocrite.sue me.).
And thats exactly why, a week later im sitting her in EXACTLY the same place i was last week. well not literally. last week i was hooked up to a lot of machines and pretty much out of it.but you know what i mean.
It didnt get me anywhere new-no where i hadnt been before.
Lovely Jessie has been telling me this for months. And whilst i new what she meant-well now i really understand the point she was making. Cos it really doesnt. It just causes even more stress and problems.
which i guess is exactly why I want to do it again.and again.and again.
makes sense huh
I should have just done it properly to start with.
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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4 comments:
Vics you have so much to live for because you are such an amazing person. I seriously don't think I know anyone else who could have gone through all that you've gone through and still be standing the way you are (even though it may not feel like it). You are so brave and have come so far and done so much despite everything and I admire you so, so much for that. And the thing that I keep telling myself when I start feeling like this is to give it one more day or one more hour. Because it might get better. Just for a minute. And even if it doesn't, you can always try the next hour. It's almost like it gives me some way to still hold on to the idea of giving it all up but I can trick myself into going on. If that makes sense.
You are so wonderful.
xoxo
I can't say it much better than Jessie. I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit for the progress you HAVE made, and just cos things are so hard now, doesn't mean this will always be so.
Hugs
Sarah x
I agree with Jessie. Everyone is different so I can't know exactly how you feel, but I was so addicted to self harm a few years ago so I understand the sense of being trapped by it, knowing that there are no limits, you can do untold damage to yourself and it STILL won't be enough - that the next day you'll feel like you have to do it all over again. And I stopped. Bar one slip last October I haven't self harmed in two and a half years, and obviously my ED recovery is going well too. I'm not saying that because I did it, anyone can, because that's really patronising, but I do want you to know that it's not impossible. You don't have to live like this and there are other ways out than through suicide.
xxx
It is really hard and I know it. I slipped up last wednesday after three and three months of no self harm. Although mine was not bad luckily, it hurt a lot of people, mainly Andy and his parents and made me feel so so much worse. But I do understand the feelings of wanting to do it again. Part of me wished I'd never done it because now I am dealing with the thoughts of it again stronger than before. I will however fight it with every thing I have. If I have to paint my nails a thousand different colours and take it off and try a new colour, then I will because for some strange reason, weird nail colours and music have helped me. Have a think about the things that you used to do before this got so bad. Like do I remember a little dress you made Ziggy once? You also have made lots of other things. I wish I could help more. Oh by the way I'm going to send you some flash cards that are business card size. I don't know if you have publisher but they are small enough to put in your wallet. You can cut them all out, there are 20 and they might help. They are just a smaller version of my original ones and some of them have three parts so the text is not too small. Let me know if they help.
*hugs*
Sarah
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