Do you know what the worst thing is? cos its not the shame of having to admit that you cut yourself up. Or having doctors look at you like your a waste of space. Its not the look you get from people in the waiting room when you start to cry and dont think you'll ever be able to stop. Its not shame of them having to call a surgeon down cos you went a bit too far, when they could be doing something else-helping someone with a real problem.
It's when they ask you for a contact number for your next of kin. Cos thats when you realise exactly how alone you are.
I spent most of the afternoon and evening at hospital. Ive just had a dozen internal stitches and a silly number of superficial ones. Everything hurts-bt it doesnt hurt enough. So im sitting here in a complete mess.really. I cant stop crying-becasue nothing is alright, and i cant keep pretending like it is. I think I probably need to go back to the hospital cos i've just cut even more. I try and I try to make myself feel better, make myself get through my Ed and Si issues, make myself be someone who isnt such a lash up. And I cant cope anymore. Never, im all of this-has anything felt as impossible as it does right now. ive not felt as messed up as i do right now, and ive not hated myself before as much as i do right now. I dont want to be hear anymore cos i cant bear to feel this way for any longer.
But the thing is-well now i realise-it really is me, myself and I.thats it.and wow, look how useful i am , not. I'm not going back to the hospital because i cant stand being patronised and told that things will be ok. And sent on my jolly way again. I cant take this anymore, and i dont know what it will take to get someone to realise that. But i guess it really doesnt matter anymore.
love vic xxx
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
Posts
13 comments:
I am sending you an email my sweetheart vicki.xx
Vics,
I'm really sorry you're going through such a horrible time right now. Reading this, I really feel for you and wish that there was something that would make it all okay. Did the hospital at least make sure you had some sort of support in place when they sent you on your way home? It would be pretty irresponsible of they didn't, as you are obviously very distressed.
*hugs*
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time right now. I really wish I was there, and that I could say something that would make everything better. All I can say is please, please don't be afraid to go back or reach out for some kind of help. I know it's so hard to keep going when it seems like nothing will ever get better and you feel so horrible but there will be more good times so please keep holding on for those times. You don't deserve to feel this way and this is not your fault. You are such a special, amazing person.
xoxo
Oh lovely Vic! I wish I could give you a hug. Like Jessie says, don't be afraid to seek help. Keep going for the sake of better times and don't let people make you feel rubbish, because you're not. Far from it. You are such a kind and generous person who deserves better.
Hugs
Sarah x
hey hun, I'm so sorry you feel this way. I know how awful it feels as I spent the last week feeling this way. I am lucky I have a good hospital that didn't treat me like crap. I wish you were over here because you would be getting help and it would have happened a long time ago. I wish I could help or do something to make you feel a little better. Actually I have just had an idea. I will email you something, though it might be a little later or in the morning.
Love and hugs
Sarah
*hugs*
I am so sorry that you are feeling so much pain right now, Vic. I agree with Jessie and Sarah, don't be afraid to reach out for help. You deserve help and support, and you deserve a happy life. Like the others, I too wish that I could make you feel better and take away your hurt. You are such a lovely person and you are always so very helpful to others. I love to read your comments on blogs because you are always offering really good advice and you are so supportive and encouraging. I think you have a truly good heart and a very bright spirit.
Please be kind to yourself, you are in my thoughts <3
*hugs and more hugs*
Nicole
This may seem strange but hopefully I won't upset you with it, but I gave you a passionate blogger award on my blog.
Please don't feel obliged to do what the 'rules' say, I changed them slightly for me anyway but I just wanted you to know I think you're awesome.
*hugs*
Sarah
Oh gosh, what a horrible day...I'm so sorry you had to go through such pain. Please don't seclude yourself just because of this. I hope you find the help you need, one that does not patronize you but treat you like a real person.
vic i am sending you all my love light and serenity, i wish i could give you a big bear hug and dance around! i sent you an e-mail and just wanted to know if you are okay, and im sorry the hospital was not a good experience, just know that there are so many people on vickis team, you are not alone, we are all here wearing "go vivki you awesome " t-shirts because we want to see you happy and succed and recover and have the life you deserve, and all of the love is inside of you, you are an ocean of love, strength, beauty, amazingness, you are just so amazing vic, and you can get thru anything, and you are such a good friend. and you have been someone amazing in my recovery. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx sending heaps of love
You deserve so much more than this V and so much more than hurting yourself this way.
I can't tell you how to get out, but I can say, you will.
You will angel, and that I believe.
I just wish this wasn't so hard for you xxxx
Wellington terrace!!! I used to go to college there...back in like...2004 or 2005??? Used to go to the Marine School for their cheap food and to Jacob's Ladder for their free pool :). I lived above the Carphone Warehouse, opposite Woolies (sad sad death of woolworths...twas great for people watching, plus we'd get free music from the buskers). Is that chip shop still called Smack Alleys? I'm sure it's changed...in which case I'm gutted. I'm not a genuine South Westerner either, though I was given honorary Cornish Status by Real Cornish Folk. I'm a confused Scot who's been living in England for ten years, six of those in and out of the south west...
I'm really sorry to hear about the hospital. I wish I had some advice or answers.Just please know that you aren't totally alone. There's folks what think you are grand :)I know that doesn't solve things, but please remember it.
I'm offering you great bit moomin hugs (they sort of look like they'd give amazing hugs...you know??)
Much love and hapy-thought giving
xx
Sadly, I can relate. Hospitals have a way of making you feel crazy... and maybe we are, maybe we aren't. lol
tia @ http://dietcolagirl.blogspot.com
its also the absolute LIMIT when they give you more playdough!
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