This post should also probably come with a 'gobbledygook warning' And a 'this is long and pointless warning'.
'im just this champagne bubble of a girl about town' is from the book 'Bergdorf blondes' by Plum Sykes. A couple of years back, i loved this book.its airy nonsense, granted, but im not ashamed-sometimes i like to read rubbish 'girl' books about clothes, shopping and boys. lets call it my guilty little secret (erm, or maybe add it to the list or something).Anyways Just before i moved to cornwall, i had a friend called Nicky. we met eachother when life was, basically complete shit. we were both working in this scabby 'old mans pub' in this weird old place called New Malden, which would like to pretend its n london, but really, its not. where it should be, is in the dustbin. anyways, i digress. One day me and Nics were 'working' (a term i use very losely) and we were reading this book. and the champagbe bubble thing became a bit of a catch phrase. and we certainly put our backs into it! we used to get dressed up and dance all night, then rock up for work the next day (and i was still also working at the riding centre at this point, so was mucking out at 6.30am everyday.often still in my party clothes). if there was a party, we were there. I had perfect hair, and probably owned half of topshop(thanks to some really good tips i git from competeing peoples horses). Nic was THAT girl, and i was 'the girl that was always with her'. The other staff at the riding centre used to laugh at me, listen to the tales of my exploits, and make me feel like i was really living it up. Apart form Alex, a really good friend there, who caught me puking one too many times.but we wont go in to that.
Truth?im not a party girl. I like a dance, but im shy as hell.im not into the loud party scene. I like to go out, yeh, but like for a night wth my girls. see what i was doing, was oh so desperatly trying to be 'the champagne bubble about town'. Becasue what i really was, what was really going on inside my head, well there wasnt, isnt words. id just got back from uni, been kicked out of the house by my mum, and was really form being abused, and my subsequent termination. so i was desperatly trying to be something, anything but me.I guess i thought if i could change everything about me that completly, then my insides would change to match too.
i'll tell you something for nothing.It doesnt work.Not in the slightest, And its amazing what you can block out and ignore for a little while.Before leaving uni, after the termination, i took a massive overdose. i took everything under the sun, and the washed it down with vodka for good measure. I think i was going to slit my wrists, but apparantly i passed out first.and when i cam too, i had a one way ticket to a psych ward. I dont think of ever talked about this before. No one in my family ever knew. I was there for about two weeks, and i lied my way out of there, saying it was a mistake blah blah, reaction to circumstance, impulse, every bollocks lie you can think of. I got discharged, went back to halls, packed a bag with some bits and bobs, and left everything else there. I dont think the hall ttor realised when she offered to store it for me it would take me 4 years to go back for it all. then i rocked up home, lasted a day before i was a heaving sobbing mess, and stupidly thought telling mum about the rape, and the termination, would be a good idea.not so much. she didnt beleive me, thought id judt been sleeping about and got into trouble.thanks mum.then she kicked me out. and my mum is dead.and i am still so bitter about this.what does it matter, she dies for christ sake.i should be over it.so why do i find myself so angry with her, no matter what im thinking about.
anyway, what i wanted to say is this. you can look ok on the outside, and be falling apart on the inside.
Im scared.i feel like im counting down until all the shit hits the fan. I get up, i have a shower, i eat breakfast, i do my coursework, i write cheery blogposts and tell my friends im fine.
how long can you put up a front before it comes crashing down? I hurt so badly right now.but i dont know what to with that hurt. I guess what im trying to say-is that im not ok.nt in the slightest.
but hey.im a champage bubble of a girl about town, right?
xxx
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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4 comments:
hey bebe, im glad u posted this. im glad you have this blog to let out your truths and your struggles, i wish i could give you a big cuddle! youv been through a lot and i really admire your strength through everything. you are a truly amazing person, i think that bubble is a trick like ED, i went through a few yeas of wildness and partying and it was fun sometimes but i still felt empty inside too. you are truly amazing, and im here for you even tho im ages away. i think your amazing.
hey hun, this is a really hard one. I know from experience that when someone that was either a relative or a friend dies, you do end up with these messy things that you are feeling and just left with no closure and I guess that's what you have to do. Find some way to get closure on all the things that your mum hurt you with and you feel about her and the guilt and anger you feel towards yourself.
I can't say that doing that will make it better, but getting it will go a long way in trying to release all those feelings. Even though this is so different it's not funny, when I quit my job in January because of bullying, I didn't realise I had all that pent up emotion of how that made me feel and what I had lost in both confidence and self-worth. I didn't know that I hadn't dealt with those feelings, which led to five very rocky horrible months of awful feelings and ended up in hospital and put on more medication. I needed closure. You have years of things that you never dealt with with your mum and in a way it probably feels like she cheated you because you never got to say what you wanted to say and that probably makes you feel guilty. I'm sorry if I'm assuming these things and have upset you by saying them, but you do have a right to feel upset and angry with your mum, just because she is not around anymore, it doesn't make it any less real of awful for you. You ARE allowed to be upset and angry. Be safe and I'm thinking of you!
*hugs*
Sarah
I think Sarah is right about getting some closure. No one on here expects you to put on a front, if blogging about the difficult stuff helps, then by all means do it. You are perfectly entitled to be upset and angry, and you don't have to bottle these feelings up. You shouldn't have to. You're a human being with difficult things to deal with, and it's going to take time.
For the record I'm not much of a party girl either ;)
Hugs
Sarah x
I know exactly what you mean--I think for me, part of what started my ED was trying to find some way to change myself because I was so distressed with all the things going on in my life, and so I decided to start losing weight. Which of course turned into a disaster. And I feel like I'm constantly trying to put up a front and pretend like everything--my life, my ED, all of it hasn't really gotten to me. But you're right. It doesn't work. I think you are really doing the right thing by being so honest on here because I've realized that the only way through some of these things is to write about them or at least accept that they exist. Because you can't keep shoving it all into a hole forever.
xoxo
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