on lovely grandapa-esque psycs's and 'inner pain'

i have to go see the psyc from the CMHT again tomorow. he's quite nice, but he would be a lot better at his job if her actually listened instead of second guessing everything you say, then making up his own version to fit with whatever his latest theory is. or not listening then asking exactly the same thing. Having said that-he is lovely, the kind of person you would want as your grandad maybe, but we arn't really reading from the same sheet. In all honesty, this is most likely to be because i wish i was still in cornwall, with the same care team, where i knew how and what would happen, even if it did enevitably piss me off. Like i know that if i were there now, i could call my Gp tomorow and go and see him, cry for ten minutes and get given some painkillers, without him being all suspicious that id necked all the drugs the hospital didnt discharge me with( would have had to wait another unknown number of hours for pharmacy to get my discharge painkillers, and nurse said i could just go get them from GP. which i triedto do, but cos they were written on my discharge letter, the stupid on call doctor refused to give me anything, thinking i was trying it on.yes, because i wouold totally bother crawling to the docs for painkillers, and crying at how much it hut getting there if i didnt fucking need them.). And that it being monday, id proabably have an appointment with the guy from EDS, who was actually really helping. and of HTT werent seeing me, i could, and probably would phone them.

Down here, HTT are fairly redundant. a quick ten minute chat, force yur meds down your neck and they are on their way-which is why i didnt bother with it. Everyone says they are better in cornwall because there are fewer people for them to worry about. But actually thats not true. they were just as busy, and had a massive area to care for (often they would spend hours driving from one end of the county to another-thats a long way-and however late it got, they NEVER gave the impression they were rushed, or cut you short), cornwall being a place with a very high amount of mental illness-fact-smallest county to have specialised services, the smallest county in the UK to have a dedicated EDS, and a slightly worrying number of mental health specialist hospitals and units. Right, now ive done my bit for cornwall-back to the point. If i try and get a GP appt tomorow, il get told to piss off cos i had one on saturday.and then be offered one for about a months time. I tried to book an appointment to get my skin staples taken out and they told me a nurse wasnt available for another 2 weeks. to which i replied they needed to come out in another 5 days.and i was told 2 weeks.repeatedly.it was the most bizarre conversation id ever had. I tell you what-the NHS and the DoH like to bitch about people using A&E approprriately-but i swear if GP's had more resources or receptionists that werent trained to defend the doctors from the public, people wouldnt got to A&E. its obvious (and ok, not right, but you can see why it happens) why people got o A&E for something trivial. becasue you might have to wait 3 days, but you will get seen, and itl be faster than you could have got a GP appt.

sorry, not quite sure what got in to me then. I think im prematurely ageing or something.

back to the point....ummm, oh yeh, docs appt.so thats not gonna happen. and i will have to listen to an hour of the lovely grandad psyc getting me to confess my inner pain, and how im crying inside. yes, he actually says that.a lot. and i spend a lot of time trying not to laugh, which makes me feel like a bitch, but seriously, however true that is-who can say it with a straight face??!! to which my reply tomorow will be-fuck the inner pain, im slightly more concerned with the outer pain right now.thankyou drugs would be great please.

theres also a strange argument going on between the uni and the cmht. The uni is attatched to a hospital, and they want access to my psyc notes. in theory, i dont actually have a prob with that-i mean yes, occupational health should be able to access all my notes, if only to save me endlessly having the same conversation with people. But why the heck do the registry want access to them? makes no sense to me. the lovely grandpa psyc said he will put high security login stuff on mypsyc notes, to stop inappropraite access, cos he realised im not saying jack until thats in place. I do not want potentially the entire student body having access to my notes, wheither traceable or not.but occ health keep pushing me to agree to the world and its brother be able to discuss me. No. I do not like the fact that the registry call the CMHT to check that i attend appointments.NO.not cool. i mean, i wouldnt even mind so much if they asked ME if id turned up first.

its also sunday night, and i still have no idea if im allowed to attend uni tomorow. I know im not allowed to take part in practicals, but the occ health doc said he thought it would be better for me to get back in to things as soon as possible. which in principle i agree with. But im not sure if ive been cleared, and its like a crime to turn up if u havnt been cleared. and im scared too. this is mostly because i have no idea what people do or dont know about what happened. my flatmates, and the firendc i called have been beyond super and have said nothing, and just told people im sick. but i clearly LOOK injured. i mean i can just about walk, and every four steps or so i want to cry cos it hurts.im covered in bruises on my arms from canulas-i look alarmingly like a smack addict actually-and once again, im so pale and pasty i look like i have a terminal disease again, which even estee lauders finset can do nothing for.

I dont want to let the lovely grandpa psyc down, but i really have nothing to say to him. And it makes me upset that he keeps telling me that i scared the crap out of him when he heard.apparantly A&E dont really like people spilling that much blood. il try nd bear that in mind. the thing he thankfully DOES seem to get, though, is that it wasnt a planned attempt at anything. It was genuinely fucked up SI. which if you are reading this and think that cutting is safe and you know what you are doing-well i kinda though that too, and ignored all the docs in cornwall telling me otherwise. There aint NO safe places, or ways, ok. lecture over.and yes, i know im a hypocrite, so dont bother pointing it out, ok.

Also, does anyone know anything about blood transfusions?it makes me feel a bit funny to know that pretty much all of my blood (well, apart from the stuff ive made in the last week) doesnt belong to me. When im allowed, im going to donate serious amounts of blood to make up for this. I mean, someone that was actually ill, or having surgery for something proper, could have had that blood.

this might actually be at the top of my 'weirdest most rambling posts ever' list. i only ment to say i miss the team in cornwall and thaty i dont want to talk about my 'inner pain' until the outer pain is fixed.

oh, and that also, and im not sure why, but i havnt taken any of my new antidepressant.Its venlafaxine, and i really dont know why i havt managed to take it. I remember a coupe of years ago when i very first saw HTT in Cornwall, having the same funny feeling about starting prozac (apart from the fact that when i took it the first timeit made me want to die, i mean aside from thaaat). That was the first time that i chatted with the guy that i got on with from htt, and he spen ages just quietly talking to me about it. I think its because coming off the sertraline/trazodone debacle thing made me sooo sick, and im a bit scared that im going to feel like that starting new drugs again. I know saide effects are temporary, but i just dnt think my sanity can handle that. Im a bit shit about being ill or in pain. I used to be as hard as nails, bt alas, im worse than a baby now. lovely grandpa psyc even put me on a babies dose of the stuff to start with but i just havnt got my head round it. I will tell him that i havnt taken it-im not gonna lie and say i have (because he is lovely, but also because i dont entirely trust the uni to not make me take blood tests to prove it-no point digging a bigger hole for myself, im in enough shit with them). Also, ive been on meds for pretty much the last 5 years or so. i mean  maybe i dont want to keep chucking chemicals at my brain.grandpa psyc was quite worried when he realised that the fact i stopped taking the traz meant i wasnt on anything, and i would have all been out of my system last sunday, when THAT happened.

if you have read this until the end, you deserve a medal. leave a comment to claim your prize.

oh, and if you could tell me what this was about, that would be great :p

xxxxxxx