quite a lot over the last few days is this-
what if SGUL made some massive mistake and actually, I just dont have the brain power for this course. I mean, I have so much work to do already that I want to cry and I cant DO it. I mean, i actually cant do it, combined with the fact that my brain refuses to focus on anything more demanding than Hollyoaks right now, and even thats pushing it. And its really scaring me. I'm not used to not being able to do academic stuff. I might be pretty crap at starting to put pen to paper, but when push comes to shove I could always do it with bells on top, yknow.
I'm not used to being crap at something, and I'm crap at this. Incidently, this leads me into thinking mum was actually spot on-im not good enough. I'm not better enough, im not ill enough. im not clever enough. How could she manage to be bloody brilliant at everything and be the weight I should be. I mean, surely thats slightly a genetic thing-appart from the fact that mum had more willpower than a donkey when it dont wanna move, she was actually a small buitl person-so why cant i be that size and brilliant as well?its not fair. shes right and she was better than me. I dont understand.
ugh someone is cooking beef stew at the mo and the smell is making me want to throw up soooo bad. Which means I cant eat anything til tomorow now cos no way on earth am i going in kitchen while that is cooking. I think I need to live on my own again.
I stopped taking the trazodone. I am med-less at the moment, and my body is having a riot whilst it adjusts to the lack of chemicals in it. I tried to explain to it that pretty soon, its goona get something new chucked its way, but to no avail. Turns out the immense sickness was due to sertraline withdrawel-i gave in and took 100mgs when i couldnt take the dizzyness anymore and like magic, it went away half an hour later. I hate that doctors tell you withdrawel from SRRI's is insignificant due to the drugs half life-its such a pile of wank. I got told to just stop taking prozac and ended up in hospital 4 days later and constant obs cos i lost the plot so bad. Citilopram made me want to jump off a bridge when i stopped taking it (now theres a story for a rainy day) and sertraline made me think death was a kinder option than the withdrawel symptoms. , which im still getting a week and a half later.
well, isnt this fun!
xxxxx
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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2 comments:
it doesn't sound fun love! It sounds horrible and I really hope your body feels better soon, i know coming off meds can be horrific. docs are dumb when it comes to that, probs because they havent experienced it.The more I go through life the more I realise there isn't actually much known about things in the brain, like chemical effects. Ok so they might know some, or a lot of the effects, but not everything. and something important might not have been discovered! Not that I mean to freak you out! I'm in the very same boat!
Anyway, randomness over.
I believe,that you can become more able the more you want something. So if you really want to do well on the course, you can and will. But, its not the be all and end all, as much as we feel it is when it comes to academics, it doesnt make you you. life makes you you. so lifes more important!
Love love love xxx
Just because you're having trouble does NOT mean you're not good enough. I can totally relate to just not having the brain power to study. Maybe you just weren't ready for this course yet, while you still have all these issues going on? Is there anyone you could talk to at the Uni, for example tutors, counsellors, course co-ordinators etc.?
I think it's a good idea to go back to the doctors to sort out the whole meds thing. I tried going cold turkey off escitalopram off my own accord so I do know that it's really not fun. Went away when I gave in and took my dose again.
Take care,
Cassie x
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