well whatd'ya know...

I've been referred to the same Ed service that used to treat my mum. Must be karma or something.

Tomorow I am going to see my GP, and on thursday i am going for my assessment with the CMHT and eating disorders service. Which hasnt made me very popular at Uni, cos I have to miss half a day, and they werent too impressed. I mean, im pretty sure it looks better on their precious reputation and stats for me to um, be alive at the end of term, rather than curled up in a ball in the corner from the stress of everything. But, you know, their choice.kidding.

Weird thing happened today. I totally spacked out in a tutorial. We were talking through ethics and professionalism, and one of the questions was to do with 'what should you do if a friend/colleague blah is self harming and does it effect fitness to practice'. And im not going to record what was said-one because that wouldnt be the most professional thing to do (see, i listened), and two, because its all supposed to 'saty in the room'. But i was so unimpresses. And call it ignorance, or whatever you like, and yes i was being sensitive, but it upset me and i just got my stuff and walked out.No drama, i just left. One of the senior tutors noticed and followed me and took me to their office-where i thought i was about to get a royal bollocking in the inner sanctum. But no. He made me tea, and just asked me if i was ok, and said a bit about he'd noticed that id been looking really tired, and generally anxious/upset/pick a word, and was i ok? Then told me that the best physio's are the ones that see the person inside the body, and not just the mechanics of it all, gave me a pat on my shoulder and signed me out for the afternoon.wtf??!!

Nice guy.

Why am i so tired all the time?i know its a sign of low mood, blah, but why?Even if i slept all day id still be tired.and its getting really hard to work out whats going on in my brain.like seriouysly, its so confusing. Cos the mad part of it(or the rational part, depending on how you see it) keeps on and on and on, getting louder all the time about hurting myself, killing myself, how it will make it go away, cajoling, then switches and tries a different tack-like 'its totally what you deserve anyway' kind of thing. And the little teeny bit of ok headspace is giving up on me cos its being swamped all the time. Like seriously, all the time.and i cant take it.nothing makes it stop, go away, or even just chill the fuck out a bit.and like, i dont even know if they are my thoughts, what i believe and want-which i do most of the time, but theres this bit that goes 'hang on a wee little minute', except it keeps getting shouted down. someone help me please.tell me what to do to get away from it. Because i need time away from it to decide if thats what i do want to happen without the constant shouting going on.