falling

people talk about losing themselves, being lost, and not recognising the person they have become. The feeling of waking up one day and not knowing who you are anymore. About not being themselves.

I say these things too, i think them, and then i stop-because i dont think i really know who or what i was in the first place. So if you cant go back to how you were, and you dont know how to move forward-it gets a bit tricky. I've often been told that one of my main issues is that i think to much, make things to comples. and i see that, and it makes sense. I overanalyse, i think ahead of myself, and figure out all the possible eventualities.

I could make it simple here. I really could. I could just stop thinking, and accept whatever i am, whatever identity i have, and just stop caring about what others may or may not think.

Its no really that simple though.

I need approval, validation, acceptance. I want to be liked, so what to come across as someone who is likeable. But how do you even know what that is. And why is it that way. Why cant i just not give a shit?

if Ed is taken away, im stripped down, there is absolutely nothing left to me. well, apart from a lot of moomin love. And this is why i wish i could judt switch my brain off.

i want...well what?to feel better?different?nothing?what dies feeling nothing FEEL like?i mean, it must feel like something.safety, security-well yes.

Is giving in the same as giving up?i think so.either way, ed wins-or maybe its that i win, because il finally know what it was all fucking well for. nothing.

if i could have anything in the whole world right now, it would be the end. The end i want. I just wish i could figure out the way to get it without fucking it all up, ending up sectioned and being stopped.

bu, hey, thats life right.

fuck this.