Saturday night...same feeling. Though i actually did my washing tonight.
I dont know how much longer i can go on feeling like this.
If veronka can decide to die, well fuck it, so can I (its a paulo coelho book. it made me think.and now its made me reach this comclussion).
I really, really dont give a fuck anymore.
im so tired of hurting and crying and feeling like im climbing up this massive hill all the time. I feel ill-in the physical sense, because of the not eating-ness, and i can fight it anymore. I dont know what normal eating is for fuck sake, it makes no sense to me, i dont like the majority of foods, and Ed's rules are easy and he leaves me the fuck alone if i just play the game. Im trapped in my head and a slave to the fucked up part of my head.which is most of it. im tired of trying to get help, and not getting anywhere, and im sick of explaining to people how genuinely difficult this is.
The slightest thing has me in floods of tears, and i just.cant.cope.like.this.anymore.
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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4 comments:
Vics, please don't give up. It's awesome that you did some washing, please be kind to yourself. I can relate to a lot of things you write and I know how hard it is when you feel like you're all alone.
Please keep in mind that I don't know you and what I say is solely based on the things I read here. You had (and still have) a lot to go through and to me it doesn't sound like you should be in uni right now. Honestly I think the best thing (again, only from what I read here) would be some kind of inpatient eating disorder treatment where they take care of your depression as well.
I know this is not what you want to do right now but it sounds like you can't handle much more and uni will become more stressful so please consider it.
As far as I now they HAVE to take people who are suicidal.
I'm sorry that you are feeling so low, I wish I could be where you are and be a friend/ shoulder to cry on for you instead of just a commenter. I want to give you a big hug and tell you that it's going to be alright... in the end, Veronika didn't die. She clung to life and fell in love... That's the kind of ending I wish you.
Johanna
Honey did you read the book???
Veronika decides to die, in hospital she is lied to by a dr who tells her she will die soon, she falls in love, she chases life because she thinks she is about to die, at her worst, because of her darkest moments she finds her way back to life and lives.
I know this is hard
I do.
I have lived it.
Am living it in some ways.
You dont like the majority of foods because you have been trained not to. You dont know how to eat properly. But you do have the plans and sheets from cornwall, those that were planned around you and foods that felt safest. You have to push through. ED rules are familiar but not easy. The reality is to let the ED rule is pain and relentless and without success - the fight the ED is pain, seems relentless and with fluctuating success. But there is hope in recovery, there is NO hope in ed.
I know its hard
And Im glad you are letting yourself cry.
But there are services, charity and otherwise in your area which can be accessed. BEAT, MIND, WOMENS CHARITIES - not to mention the services the GP will get you into very soon.
You have me, other friends, you have the hope of a new life and you are one stubborn little faerie - you can do this.
You can.
Keep pushing forward angel
i promise
yu are worth the fight xxx
p.s. i bought yu an awesome card today - will post monday! xxx
Hon, please don't give up. I know what you feel like, because I feel the same way so many times--just tired of it all and wanting it to end no matter how that happens. But there are good things too and it does get better. I know it doesn't feel like it in the moment and it's hard to believe it but it is true. And the other thing too is that you've gone through some hugely stressful stuff just starting uni and moving and all that and that kind of stuff always fucks with your head, makes you feel like you're all over the place and want to get away.
Please go somewhere and ask for help if things get really bad. An A &E even though they are crap or maybe even try calling the HTT. I know you're not in their area but if you tell them you are really desperate and need something hopefully they will just let you talk and stay on the line with you.
And I have no idea what normal eating is either. And for a long time I felt the same way about food--I didn't like most of it, but the thing is. You don't have to like it. You just have to eat it. Do you have a meal plan at all? E-mail me if you want and I will send you some of mine. And it takes a long time to actually get used to eating and wanting food again, but it does get easier. It really does. And I never, ever thought it would.
xoxo
hun, I know the ED struggle is so hard, I know because I too am strugling right now. You are not alone, there are many of us here that want you to feel okay and to be okay and you have been through so so much, more than I could cope with. You may not think so, but for what you have gone through this year, it's amazing that you are still here as it is and I know you wish you weren't but I want you to be here. I want you to still be breathing and hoping that one day things get better. I know it's hard but try just taking one mini baby step at a time and (don't worry I won't mention playdough) but try and do something that you know you love, like making something. Can you make something crafty that will keep your hands busy and your mind busy long enough for you get through this horrible hurdle. You can email me too if you want to and we can chat about the escapades of JP and Ziggy. I just want you to feel okay. Be safe hun.
*hugs*
Sarah
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