and i have no idea how i feel.
pick from any of the following- fat, tired, hideous, upset, frustrated, confused, overwhelmed, sad, anxious, angry, stuffed full, guilty, and i could go on.
i'm really worried about this weekend. I have my meal plan to follow at home, which is pretty much the same as the unit. they sorted me out food for the weekend, so there are a million and one tinfoiled wrapped parcels in the fridge. and 2 massive ready meals for lunch each day. I really dont know how im going to manage to eat it alone, find the courage and will power to do it.
i feel so mixed up. it would be so easy to not eat a thing this weekend, restrict and make it all fine in my head. But what would have been the point of the previous week if i do that?all the upset and anxiety.
today was really difficult, because i had a lot of external stuff to deal with (mostly due to my favourite people, job(knob)centre plus messing me around all day about benefits) as well as having to plan for the weekend and just generally being in a state. Then i got really frustrated and angry with myself for losing my rag with the jobcentre people on the phone, and then just felt like the most worthless person in the world. I felt hugely overweight and horrid and just downright fat and ugly today. one of the girls asked if i was bulimic, as opposed to anorexic, and she had presumed it form the way i look. which is such a shit. I had a chat with one of the others, and its just like, saying things like that-it just puts even more emphasis on appearance and body image. and at the end of the day, if you have an eating disorder it doesnt matter what your diagnosis is-because everyone is different. not everyone's illness is the result of the same things, so the behaviours that we use-they mean different things to all of us. it just pissed me off.
i feel horrible. i dont know what to do with myself. I have really bad self harm thoughts because i feel like ive just messed everything up today, and thats what i deserve.
ARG.
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
Posts
3 comments:
I wish I lived nearer then I would come over and we could struggle our way through lunch together!
I'm so sorry about all the yucky feelings, I really hope that you can get something out of this ED unit experience. xxxx
You have no reason to feel guilty. The fact you included 'guilty' in that list really struck me. Why do we feel guilty?? I don't just mean you, I mean any of us.
You are trying to face things and work through them. That is nothing to feel guilty about. You are trying to learn how to approach food 'normally'*, and that involves practice, and carrying out the actions. It is nothing to feel guilty about. You can tackle the the weekend. Baby steps.
"the behaviours that we use-they mean different things to all of us"
That punched me in the face, too (in a good way). It's true.
I believe in you. You are not worthless. You cannot be worthless when you a worth something to someone. I wish I had more useful wisdom nuggets to throw your way.
xxx
*sorry for using that word, but you know what I mean
hey hey hey, time to be a bit kinder to yourself vics, im proud of you and if you eat your meal plan it will work out for you, restricting leads to bingeing. if you stick to ur plan you knock out a huge chane of bingeing.
this voice in your head is ED, its not who u really are, its trying to isolate you. you can do this. each meal at a time ok. its going to be okay. hang in there love.
aroha nui xoxoxox
Post a Comment