My friend Becky at Uni today told me that i have to stop worrying about things I cant change, and just let stuff happen. The problem is-I feel like i SHOULD be able to fix everything. When I met with the manager of the day unit last week, she told me something I never really realised before. I said that I was sick of thinking about food-worrying abou what to have, how much to have etc etc and she said the difference was-that 'normal' people DON'T think about food, they just do. They dont think about what people think of them when they are eating, they dont overanalyse, they just do.
The thing is, I dont think im a 'just do' kinda person. there is a lot of comfort to be found in thought and certainty, mapping out how things are going to be. I like knowing, i like order, and structure. Thats just the way I am.
But for the purposes of this- heres what im worrying about-
- The day unit. because i dont know what to expect. I mean everything to do with it here. Im not saying im not committed to trying to get better, and really pushing myself to change, im just saying imscared of what I dont know. I mean you have to bear in mind-i've NEVER eaten 'normally'-becasue mum was ill too. so i got taught all the behaviours, and bullied in to it, and pushed and ridiculed until i learnt that food can make you feel in control, and found the emotional links for myself. hello full blown ED. Most people in recovery ate normally at some point in their lives, so they have a reference point. i dont-and im freaking terrified.
- Uni. All the stuff im gonna miss and how the fuck im goig to catch up.
- occupational health. the bane of my life. Have been summoned to see them again, and its never good.
- exam results.I cant change them now-but not knowing what they are is driving me insane, and taking the exams in the first place is a lot of the reason im in this state now.
- My first Clinical Placement, which occupational health have decided i cant do. whcih is made me super stressed, as we have a massive assessment based on it. At this rate, im going to be doing the first year for the rest of my life.
- All the work im missing. yeh i know i already said this, but im really worried about it.like a lot. almost enough to make me think i should just stick it out without the treatment. but thats stupid-ive been fighting so long for this-i just wish it had happened last year, before i got here.
- all the paperwork i have to sort out for uni. Just when i think ive done it, more turns up.
- the amount of food im going to have to eat and keep down next week. im gonna get massive. i want to do this, but im scared. however much you want to get better, it still's terrifying-the process i mean. changing EVERYTHING all at once. what if i fuck up, and get kicked off the unit cos i cant do it. then i really might as well give up.
- gaaaah, all the stuff i need to sort out with my personal tutor-if he ever answered his poxy emails
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2 comments:
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I remember how terrified I was before I started as a day patient. First of all, you are NOT going to get massive. Your metabolism speeds up a lot once you start eating more because eating a healthy amount makes your body work much more efficiently. You'll start healing more quickly too, your immune system will get better so fewer infections! I didn't have a reference point for normal eating either. When I started recovery at 24 I hadn't eaten normally since the age of 11, and I just didn't remember that far back. So it IS possible to learn how to eat from scratch, and most of what I learned in day patient I still apply now.
Hang in there your legeiness, we're thinking of you! xxx
I'm sorry you are facing such a scary thing, but it's really good that you are getting the help you need. Many years of life can be wasted with eating disorders and it's sad to me how much time went by before I got better - but I did get better and you will too.
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