trust?er, yeh, good one!!!

I'm not feeling my best today. in fact, i feel like shit. like all the stuff thats in my head has just started leaking out and its pissing me off, cos im not in control of it. I had a massive meltdown at lunch today (cheese and tomato omlette-another new thing, chips and peas.who makes this diet up?!) and just started crying, then couldnt stop. I just managed to finish it in the time limit, and i hate myself for eating it.

see, theres a lot of sides to this. theres the side that sort of knows that i need to eat, or, essentially, im gonna die. and theres the side of me that remembers all the years i was told that eating was bad as a child. and that my mum would be totally disgusted with me. I'm not in the mood for any 'but your mum was ill' kinda comments, no offence. then theres ED telling me im a fucking failure for giving in and eating. And the unit staff telling me i have to eat. and me not knowing which part is right. it makes you cry.a lot.

I got pulled aside after lunch to have a chat about how i was feeling. The gist of it is that i have to accept that im not really able to make decisions right now-but thats ok, cos this is a legitimate illness, and its ok to let other people make them for me. She wants me to trust them, and let them make the decisions. Buy how can i do that, when my whole life there has never been anyone i can rely on, when ive always had to sort everything for myself, and most of the time, for the rest of my fucked up family. how can i trust anyone to do what i've had to do for myself for all this time. All ive learnt from life, essentially, is that if you dont do it yourself, it wont get done, that noone at the end of the day really gives a shit about anyone but themselves, cos thats all ive ever really known. how can i trust them to make the biggest decisions for me? Eating, starting to eat again, not vomiting, not self harming-thats my whole life that they want me to trust them with, all the things that hold me together. As soon as i let them tell me what to eat, look what happened, i ended up a complete mess.

I dont want to go back to Uni. im dreading it already, how stressed im goingto be, how difficult it will be to catch up. I dont know if i can do that. I want someone to figure all this ut for me, look after me-but i cant let them, i cant let them take charge. I dont understand. I desperately want to be taken out of this situation, to be told what to do, but i cant let anyone, cos its a total headfuck. and yes, i do understand that ive completely contradicted myself. its about not feeling able to let anyone else do it, or that they dont take how big an issue it is for me seriously. Like, im only going to be at the unit for another 3 weeks after this one. if i cant go back to uni, what the fuck am i going to do with myself?i dont feel well enough to do anything, but im not able to do nothing. I'l have no money, and nowhere to live.in short, il be beyond fucked, even more than i already am. But going back to uni is, quite possibly, going to push me totally over the edge.

Trust?are you having a laugh?!