the weirdness of yesterday

Ok, so yesterday baffled me somewhat. I had another appointment with the EDS to finish my assessment off, and decide on my treatment (if any) plan. I've been mulling over what happened at the last appt a fair amount since. Mostly cos i was pissed at being dumped with the BPD label again, so they can shoft me off to be another services' problem. And the trouble with trying to explain with why i didnt agree with that diagnosis, is that it will just make them think it more srongly. Life's a bitch.

The thing is, I couldnt just leave it at that. heck if they werent going to helpme anyway, i might as well at least attempt to justify my reasoning to them right? so thats what i did. I wrote a very diplomatic letter, stating that whilst i agreed that i fitted with the criteria for BPD, there are many other ways that this could be explained. That they say borderline is all about black and white thinking, but i think half the time they tend to diagnose in a very black or white fashion.

The oddest thing was that the clinical psyc totally agreed with me! Which I kinda knew she did, from the first time i met up with her, and she was talking about trauma related eating difficulties, and learnt behaviour and stuff. It was only when she got back from her team meeting that she came up with the bPD crap, after telling me in the firstplace she wouldnt agree with a diagnosis of that. Apparantly, in team meetings its a bit of a 'the majority rules scenario', and the medics of the team will always want to stick labels on things. But their politics isnt my issue. Turns out that after i saw her last time she picked up on how majorly pissed i was (funny that) and went and had a chat with the lead nurse on the ED day unit about me. So when i saw her yesterday, she said theyd had a long chat, and they both think that the day unit - and not a massive DBT focus- is the best thing for me, because basically, the unit would teach me about food-what to eat, how to cook it, all the stuff your supposed to learn as you grow up, at the same time as helping me get better from the disorder. Shes stuck me on the (long) waiting list, anticipating that i would agree, but still has to run it by the team-so we'll see how that goes.

Remember the guy i saw for a little while in cornwall from the ED service, just before i moved? well, apparantly he got in touch with them-as the clin psyc wanted to know his opinion of the BPD thing-and he told them that id been fighting my ass off for so long to get help, it was really starting to annoy him that people were misinterpreting it as BPD attention seeking. And that they just needed to listen to me talk about growing up, and about liverpool, and that it would be obvious that it was all trauma based. he aslso said that i was quite likely to try and fight the BPD label, esp if i didnt think i was going to get anywhere anyway, ans to just see what i did in my next session...so i guess i was right to try and fight it. weird that smething actually sort of worked out.

She also questioned me a lot in the session about physical symptoms i might be having, so i finally owned up about the chest pain/passing out/puking blood thing. Psyc's are so easily scared! sent me straight to A&E to get an ECG, and bloods done. dunno why they bother, i could have told them everything A&E told me:severe anaemia and resultant low haemoglobin levels (duh, i lost a bodyworths of blood a little while back, im prob still trying to get my stocks back up!), mallory weiss tears (to stomach lining) (also knew that), and funky electrolyte levels. drip me up baby. I did get a massive talking to from a cardiologist who was telling me just how much my heart was beginning to not appreciate the purging, which yeh i know-but its not as simple as telling me to stop throwing up. i KNOW that, i just cant do it. Also, funnily, a junior doc gave me a box of anti-sickness pills to take home - i had to explain to him what bulimia was, that was an interesting conversation!!anti sickness pills!im sure theyl do wonders....hahahahaha sometimes you just gotta laugh.lots. Anyhow, the result of that fun entire day in hosp was that i have to have weekly bloods taken and regular cardiac assessments. they also want to do something that sounds distinctly unfun, by putting a camera down my throat to look at my stomach. However, if your going to be callous (and i am!) the more messed up my body is, the higher il get bumped up the waiting list for the day unit. dont you just love how these things work!

the thing that made this whole day so weird though-the fact that the psyc listened to what i said and actually started doing something about it. and gave me another appt for friday, so i 'feel like im being heard'.

happy new year