I watched a harry potter film over christmas-cant remember which one it was, and they went to the ministry and ended up in these room full of prophesis, and memories, stored in these weird glass ball-type things. And only the person they are about can see them.
I wish I could do that. Because keeping them all inside of me is killing me. And I cant seem to say things any more. But maybe one day, i might want the memories back, when I feel better about them. I dont want to lose them, i just want them to go away for a bit. I mean, they are a part of who I am, shaped things, made me, so they are important. I just dont want them to hurt me for a while.
So, if life was like harry potter, then i could store my my memories away, keep my secrets safe, and stop the need to pull myself apart in an attempt to drown them out. If real life was like Harry Potter. self harm would not exist. Well, its a theory, and im on a lot of meds right now.
The thing is, they are my memories, and my secrets. And i dont think I can keep talking about them to the HTT, the EDU, and everyone else that wants a piece of them. It hurts to much to tell, but keeping it all in is like having this storm inside my head. And the only way to calm the storm is to make myself sick, or cut myself until its all soothed away. for 10 minutes.
Maybe im missing something, cos i think i died and went to hell - must have stopped paying attention or something. or maybe it slipped my mind. anyway- i feel like im trapped in bulimic hell.
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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5 comments:
I just want to send hugs. xxx
I would like to send hugs too xxx
I'm thirding the above *hugs* <3
hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii vicks!
man its been forever!
well im just sending you some strngth and love from here, i got your message and just wanted to say that without you last year i dont know what i would have done, the worst time in my life was dark and there were a couple of people in my life... 2 of my friends and you... that made it more bearable, gave me hope, shared their light in my dark space, and just by being you and doing that, for being a goood friend, i think you helped me more than you know.
you are the sweetest person, and just sweetheart is you matey... i hate watching the lie of anorexia bulimia hurt you and lie to you. i hate it when it lies to me too. i know what you mean about memories thing... its like i put them on a moviescreen and save them for later when i am ready to deal with them.
in my therapy thats what i do with ani... she gets me to watch a memory on a big imaginary movie screen then afterwards she gets me to explain it to her.. usually they are from when i was you bger but sometimes not... anyway she then gets me to pause the memory and stand with the younger me at a camp fire... the younger me has a lack of resources... and the present me can come in and with the wisdom i have i can give her resources... often i give her the wisdom of what is really going on around her opposed to her perception of reality as a child, i give her the ability to connect with her true self so that she can always feel loved and cared for.. i give her the clear ability to see when someone is lying to her... etc etce tce... just lots of things she needs at the time.. the ability to use her voice and communicate how she feels... etc etc
then afterwards she breathes each one in a balloon after i think of them ad then breathes out... then i watch the movie again with her new tools and resources... and somehow i feel clear, i heal that little girl that didn't understand why her mum was so mean and just took it on as "im not good enough"
etc etc.
just know that you are amazing.
Order of the Phoenix ;)
Just saw that one for the first time a couple of days ago (and I'm on the fourth book now :) ).
You have a post above this one (I am late), but I haven't got there yet. Just wanted to give you a massive hug.
xxx
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