Not that simple though really is it? Theres more than one side to it. Yes, the obvious downside is that everyone at Uni thinks im a total freak (rumor has it, yknow). But is it easier that my Tutors know I'm struggling- well yeh. It suks a bit, im not gonna lie, cos noone looks at me the same way, and they all skirt uncomfortably around everything, obviously wary of what might happen. I dont want to be treated differently, I dont want leniancy or anything else they might think. And I wish i could have talked out all the crap inside me that made me do it, rather than trying to damage myself until it went away. But it happened, and i cant change that. But i can change what miht happen in the future. I cant always change how i feel, but i can do things to try and help- and Uni knowing means that I can more easily arrange time off for appointments with psycs and the EDS without getting bollocked all the time. It means I dont get the third degree if i say im ill and i cant come in. It means that i get offered support (albeit fairly uselss), and that occupational health can literally kick me up the waiting lists of the ED service. It means that Tutors are more willing to arrange catch up sessions for me if they know why I'm not there. So i'm not saying its the smartest thing ive ever done. and yes, it was a helluva dangerous and scared the living shite out of me. But maybe, it wasnt the worst thing ever either. Dont get the wrong idea-i'm NOT saying it was some kind of stunt i planned. I just mean, that I was having a horrid time, I tried talking but noone really understood, and I needed support. And now i have a lot of support from my personal tutor (in an odd kind of way) and a few people I can at least try and talk with when things are feeling icky, and they get where in coming from - like when i say im feeling bad, i dont just mean a bit fed up.
And it also means that when i rock up and say I need a month out to do an emergency IP admission to the EDU they just hand me the forms, and accept it, rather than getting shitty with me that its right in the exam period. Ok, i mean i know they have to let me cos its on medical grounds, but they dont have to neccesarily be helpful either-and as much as they peed me off last week (il get to that) they have been good on this. And they are letting me stay in Halls whilst im in the day unit, which they are not obligated to do.
So, from next monday, I'll be attending the day unit at the Eating Disorder Service at Springfield Hospital (if youlike irony-my mum spent most of her life in this place) from 8am-4pm every weekday, for 4 weeks. This is an attempt to stabalise things at the moment, before my heart and stomach really start to get pissed with me. Then I'll be put on the waiting list for a longer admission. I met with the Units manager on Friday. I officially felt like the worlds biggest idiot by the end of it. Like, I want to be better, why cant i just stop this already. It makes me feel so pathetic. Im so scared. All that food. and the other people there. and just everything really. I know its going to help. But i also know its going to make me go insane first-I cant actually remmeber the last time i ate without throwing up after. Or ate with other people, let alone breakfast, lunch and the snacks inbetween. I'm scared of what will happen, whayt i will end up thinking. I'm really bloody scared that i wont be able to talk about it with them, and they will think that im not serious about getting well-i am-its just-overwhelming, the amount of change about to smack me in the face. i've been really trying this week, to minimise Ed behaviours-and actually just be aware of what my Ed behaviours are. Theres a lot more than i thought, properly ingrained in me:(i feel so ashamed and embaressed writing this)
- The way I drink soo much water/diet coke/whatever. Partly this is prob because the purging makes me dehydrated. But ive always drunk a lot, and I think ive kind of taught myself to need that much fluid. And im really worried that im just going to be permenently thirsty at the unit. I dont do it to fake weight gain-as im over rather than under weight anyway, but I know its prob not right to drink that much.
- Eating really slowely with other people, but fast when im on my own
- when eating with other people mashing food up and pushing it around my plat so it looks like ive eaten it.
- purging
- bingeing
- laxatives (but not very often)
- having a really limited range of foods i will eat.Im far too embaresed to go into this today, but that something i know needs to change.
- putting loads of vinegar on food so i dont want to eat it.
- watching others eat, whilst just drinking myself and feeling smug. come on, im not the only person who does this!
- not preparing food in front of others. I hate people seeing me havig anything do do with food.
- im sure there is more, but fuck me this is depressing. and shamefull. so to keep a little bit of my dignity i might finish this another day.
I'm really scared. I'm scared that I need help, and ashamed that i need it, want it. What does that make me? i should be over this, better, not getting worse.
Have you ever been IP? how have you dealt with all of it? What if the words still wont come out. What if it all just stays stuck in my head, and I cant purge, and I cant cut, and its all trapped inside still. what if i really lose it?
So this week is my last week at Uni before my time off. Im am SO stressed and worried and panicky about all the work I will be missing, which isnt really helping. But guess what?! I have my first real grown up physio placement this week! 2 half days observing a third year (which we then have to do an assessed presentation on), and my placement is on a paediatric unit-BRILLIANT!!! im so looking forward to this (but im pretty nervous too) as paed's rehab is def one of the areas im more interested in and it will be a great one to start with, and hopefully inspire me to keep with it and hang in there.
I shall end this never ending post with a pic from this weekend- the 'full moon beach party' Disco at the SU. Heres my costume!
xxx
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3 comments:
[Hug]
I doubt it will all stay trapped inside. The staff will be used to helping people who have expressed their emotions through bingeing and purging and self-harm, and who struggle to talk about things once these outlets of expression have been taken away. There will be some different therapy/discussion groups to help you explore how the illness is serving you, and you'll have a lot of thinking time. It's tough, but worth it.
In my local unit new patients are on 1:1 observation when they're first admitted. As you move up through the programme, you get more and more unsupervised time. It's still possible to hurt yourself, purge, sneak in laxatives - I've known patients who've done that. I was never an inpatient, so I had the freedom to b/p when I came home at the end of the day - and I stopped. Almost completely. For me it was enough to know that the option was there, and that made it possible for me to start thinking, "Well, I've used all those things to help me cope before, and they just landed me in this treatment programme. I might as well give the things the therapists are suggesting a try, and if they don't work, I will let myself purge in an hour." By the time the hour was up, I had often successfully combated the urge.
From the sounds of it I was not as severely ill as you are. My eating disorder is mostly restrictive in nature, and as I was getting three meals and two snacks during the day, there was little I could do to harm myself when I got home in the evening. When I was ill with bulimia (at a different time in my life) I might have reacted very differently to the demands that therapy placed on me, but it's impossible for me to guess what would have happened then.
I really hope this goes well for you, and I'm so glad you're getting the right help. Mostly I hear stories of people who need admissions and aren't getting them, so it's good to hear from someone who is actually getting the treatment she needs! x
Vic, you actually look great in the photo...really good! xx
I was a day patient back in 2008, and although my memory is pretty hazy (malnutrition does that!) I very vividly remember my first meal. I had turned up on a day when we were supposed to cook our own lunch (usually it was served to us, but twice a week we had cooking groups) and myself and another gluten free girl made GF pasta and chickpeas in tomato sauce. We sat down, I looked at my plate and burst into tears. Right up until that moment I had been fine with the idea of recovery, but it was only when the food was in front of me that I realised that I was going to have to actually EAT (who'd have thought, eh?!). I was so scared. The first day was painful and terrifying but it got easier, until I could eat everything they gave me, if not happily then at least pain free. I really hope everything is going okay today Vics <3 I am thinking of you and sending big hugs xxx
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