realisation

So, i got home today from hospital. I have a trendy, top of the range new accessory, a catheter bag, which is strapped to my leg.

So all, in all, i think i handed the court case well, obviously.

I tell you what really makes you question yourself though-

when you walk in to the wreckage that is your house ( trying to do yourself in is a messy business, after all), go in to the kitchen, and spend half an hour gazing at the the fish tank, worrying that my FISH look depressed and unwell. And that instead of clearing up, i change the filter on the tank, change the water, give them medicine, and food. I watch them and wonder what makes them happy, and think what might make me happy. and draw a complete blank.unless....unlesss

Go and puke my guts up in a fit of anxiety. and think about starting the whole messy process all over again. I'm not ill though-the hospital said i was fine, and of course, they are always right. And apparantly stupid too, because they discharged me with 3 months worth of meds, and a bloody lot of diazepam-which puzzles me, if im supposedly 'not ill'. I dont think im ill-i just think im messed up me.I've always been this way. just to varying degrees.

i think its time jon-paul and ray quinn found a new home (the fish.dont mock them, they are sensitive about their names).

it appears im not a suitable 'parent or gaurdian'.