i dont know how to feel ok again. its done, its over.i should feel better. but honesty-and pease please belive me-i have never fet so depressed(like medically depressed) in my life.i cant shake it off,i cant get away from it and its constantly pulling me down no matter what i try and do. I want to be well;i want to be better-but i cabt get out of this.
im so sad-literaly.how do you grieve for someone you spent so long hating.how awful does that make me.how can you not like your mum?i miss her.but i dont know what to do with this mixed up feelings. and thats what making me hurt myself. all i ever wanted. needed was for her to even slightly care.
i spent 6 years trying to forget what happened in liverpool, and now its there in my head and it wont go away.the verdict doesnt matter-it never did to me really.but it did knock me more than i thought it would.
i wish i wish i wish i wish i wish mum didnt die thinkng i hated her,i wish that i knwe what she felt about me-cos the last time i spoke ot was anger, and she was ashamed of mefor not mkimg more of myself.
i just wanted mum to care,its all i ever wanted.
im so sad.and im ready now to give up
xxxx
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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4 comments:
Love, I know what you mean. Its coming up on a year since my Mom died and I keep feeling like... I didn't know her and she didn't know me and I don't know how she felt about me. And I Hurt Her and Did She Die Because She Thought We Hated Her and all of these stupid, horriblepainful things.
*hugs*
You can never really know the answer to anything, and I think that is why it is so hard right now. Eventually maybe we'll come to terms with our relationships with our Mom's, but for now... *squeeze-hug*
Please see someone about your depression being so bad. You're already fighting some pretty hard self-injury - I don't want that to escalate and you to accidentally (or on purpose) kill yourself. And more importantly? I want you feeling better. No one deserves to feel like this, least of all you. I know you can come through this, but I wish I could make that happen NOW.
(love*
We often seem to express things one at a time, in moments. You say the last time you spoke to your mum was in anger - but that moment wasn't the entirety of your relationship. I'm sure there were moments where she was aware you didn't feel that way, but because the last time is emphasised in your mind, those memories seem larger than the good ones?
Kitten, we all hate/ are hated by the people we love at times, but that doesn't mean we don't love them/think that they don't still love us. The people who are closest to us/who we care the strongest about, are often the ones who provoke such intense feelings in us.
And the same with the last time you spoke she being ashamed of you - even if she did state in black and white that she was ashamed etc, I'm sure it came from that place called "parental worry and care" - which stems from deep love and concern. Sometimes parents get scared for their kids, and sometimes it comes across as disappointment or anger, but maybe that's because all they want is what's best for us, but it is out of their control. They don't know what to do.
I guess what I'm saying is, deep down, I suspect you both knew you loved each other. Don't let the last time you spoke - or the guilt - overtake all the goodness.
Besides, you can still make her proud. Live, keep fighting.
Is there anyway you can see a regular therapist for the time being? Just someone to talk to voice-to-voice?
Or, what about calling the Samaritans or something? Just to have someone with a little experience on the other end of the phone, someone non-judgemental??
Please be safe.
*massive big snuggly bear hug*
xxx
hun I don't want you to give up. I know it can be really hard sometimes but I don't want to lose you. I have been in the situation where I was so depressed I didn't want to be around anymore, but eventually it did pass, but I did have sit in those feelings for a while, which sucked. Hosptial didn't help because there wasn't enough in the world to help the depth of my depression at that time. I remember that change only started for me when I was on the right meds. I hope that you can find that little spark inside of you and hopefully pull through.
*hugs*
Sarah
Please don't give up. I know it seems so impossible right now but like Sairs said every time I've been in a depression where I thought I couldn't go on, it did lesson some eventually. And I think that things will get better as you get more time between you and this.
And I know that it's so hard to think that your mum was angry with you and that she was ashamed, but I think really this probably isn't truly how she felt. She had a lot of problems of her own and deep down I think she had more love for you than she was able to express.
But the thing is that even if she was ashamed or angry, that's not your fault. It doesn't make you a bad person. I know with my dad I spent a long time wanting him to like me and wanting to do the "right" things that he would approve of, but what I've had to realize is that his opinion doesn't change who I am, and the things that he's said to me are a product of his own problems. And I can't change that.
Please keep trying. You are so amazing and I wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything different for you.
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