i'm not a very nice person right now

fact.

I writing self indulgent blog posts because i feel really alone. which makes me feel bad.so please dont wrote me nce comments, because i dont really deserve it. I'm taking my stress out on my best friends. who have their own stuff, and i know they do-i really do-but i still keep doing it anyway.which makes me a massive bitch. i fall to pieces inexplicably, or im stroppy and horrible to be around. I dont mean to but i worry the people i care for most by apparantly appearing off the face of the earth for a while, hiding myself away in my nest like flat. and i just feel so unable to do anything that i cant even manage to tell them im ok.its not deliberate-i honestly mean it when i say that i dont want the attention or anything-it just seems impossible to call someone, to energy expending. i've lost myself and turned into this horrid new version of me.

i love my friends.but i dont know how to be with them. Theres nothing but this massive weight pulling me down, dragging me along, and i just cant engage. its not that i dont care about their new hairdo, a party they went to last night, their boy issues, the everyday things friends talk about, clothes, makeup, girlyness, music-i just appear to have lost the ability to really HEAR and take it in. im not self centered enough to think im the only person with isssues-cos to heck im not, and people have it soooo much worse, people feel worse than i do.

but at the same tired im tired and bored.im bored of feeling this way, and im bored of how mundane my life is.im bored of myself-how it takes me about 3 hours to get out of bed in the morning and face the day (afternoon/evening), how i spend the day worrying about food, crying and crying until im exhauseted because i cant do anything els.i sleep and sleep because tied isnt even the word anymore.to be fair im probably a lot safer when im asleep. the idea of yet.another.day.of.this makes the thought of carrying on impossible.

i feel ill. i ache, i literally hurt because im upset so much-weird i know, youd never have thought grief could cause physical pain, but apparntly its not uncommon. im going to go insane if  i cant get the 'cant pee' thing sorted soon, becaue i feel like im dragging around 2 litres of pee with me everywhere i go.which gets pretty sore.

the only people i manage to convey any of this too is the people i feel able to talk with from HTT-unfortunately none of them can actually make the decisions to keep me on the caseload. which is shit considering they are probably keeping me alive right now.

so there you go.thats me-a bit of aa bitch really.im horrid to my friends, i get shitty with care workers for not being able to help me more, and im so upset that i have cleary dissapointed the people from htt that help me most, by 'that incident' which kanded me with a nice stay in a surgical ward.im trying.im just not very good it seems.

ive been awake for an hour and a half now.

which by my impeccible estimation, means its time for me to go back to bed.

until hopefully 3 days or so's time.