so it went a bit like that...the actual last post this time:)

A good few months ago i thought about getting rid of this blog. And then somehow i found that i needed it again. and thats fine, and i guess it might happen again. But for now, I cant write here anymore-I'm not really sure why-I just cant.

and this is where im going to leave it. I thought a lot about whether to delete this blog in its entireity, but then thougth that woud be a bit like deleting my life. And then i thought id just make it a private journal-but-everyone has a story to tell. and i rekon there are a lot of people that dont know where to begin. So, im going to leave it here, and hope that anyone that stumbles across it realises that the hard bit is starting to talk. And that keeping everything inside only really hurts you more. So this blog is for anyone that has noone to listen-I thought i didnt either, but i found that if you can talk, then there is always someone, somewere that is willing to help.And if that seems to hard to believe-well just look at all the support i got here on my blog.

Ed will never be your friend, and self harm will get never get you anywhere new. something else i ultimately learnt-

when you have nothing left to lose, then surely all you can do is gain.

I think for a while, this blog saved my life. But now, I think its run its course.

if your interested-heres what happened next-

The good old knobcentre are still being knobs, and owe me over a grand in backpayments. My local hospital gave me every infection under the sun, so i feel like my body is a human incubater right now. I made some brilliant friends from this blog, who I get totally over excited about talking with:)

After i was discharged from the surgical ward a couple of weeks ago, I left a massive full on hissy fit on the ED service answer phone, dropping in words such as 'official complaint to trust director', and 'newspapers' and low and behold, they called me back the next day. It appears that my CPN is completely useless, and never refered me there properly. Im seeing the clinical director nextweek, to see what he thinks might work in terms of treatment.

Im not really sure if im moving to London. I'm still waiting for confirmation that I still have a place at St Georges or Kings College (seems occupational health aren't that down with my recent escapades). And im not really sure whats best for me right now. what I do know is this-If i have to stick around on this crappy planet (and the jury's still out on that one) then I am damn well going to be a physiotherapist. either that or a world famous fashion designer (just kidding).

I think your heart can be broken into a million pieces, but if you can hang on to a teeny bit of whats left, then maybe you can get through.

The court case-well I always knew it wasnt going to fix anything. And the fact that he's locked away doesnt change anything. Maybe I will get over it, maybe I never will. But as a fabulous CPN with HTT said the other day-'vics , you cant give up when you dont even know if you can get better-you've never had the help'. and thats right. It doesnt change how im feeling right now, but its a glimmer, yknow. But if you find this blog, and you've been through anything similar, then, well-I didnt just do it for me-I did it for everyone that never got the chance to fight back. thats something worth holding on too. And i could never have done it without everyone here-thankyou.and thankyou again.

I miss my mum like hell and it hurts-it pulls me into pieces that it all ended how it did. I wish i could change it, and i wish id done things different, and that i coud change the past. but all you can do is try and move forwards. and thats all anyone can expect of you.

if you find this blog, then i hope it helps. but just bear in mind it was written by someone who has a few teeny issues haha. oh, and i make no apologies for the awful spelling and grammer!

and im posting these pics again cos i want to end with them

im not disappearing off blog planet-i just cant write here anymore. I think it needs a good few years-and a therapist before i can think through this stuff properly.

you can find me now at- confessions of a concealaholic, which will be the usual witterings of my life, and at pretty bows and borrowing grannies clothes, which im going to dedicate to outfit posts, clothes and my soon to be shop!

I feel kinda sad. this blog means a lo to me, but i think its run its course. please follow me on my new blog! cos i love you all <3

much love and kisses  to all you fabulous people

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