repeat

I like listening to songs on repeat. it has this really calming effect on me, its soothing, and gradually all you can think about is the tune and the lyrics. today i have been listening to 'stay (i missed you) by Lisa Loeb over and over.I dont really know why, but i actually cant stop listening to it.

'you thought that i was naive, but i felt strong'
'you made me belive that i was wrong'

so relevant, but at the same time not.

i think repeat is a bot of an ongoing theme in mylife. its always the same. I actually cant take feeling this way fr much longer. And i know theres stuff to look forward to-but its just getting there that seems the impossible. please just dont tell me itl all be ok-because im sick of it. its bloody exhausting feeling this way. I dont want to, i want to feel like me, whatever that is. Or i want to be dead. theres no middle ground anymore. And yeh, i wont feel better overnight, but i dont know what else i can do-i just need a little shift in something to make it seem all worthwhile, but whatever i do, its just not happening.

2nd appt with EDS today. It was decided to not touch on any theraoy related issues right now (cs im ny words, i would actually end up dead), but instaed to focus on practical ssues and motivation to help me get out of this rut. which is actually a lot more helpful than i can explain. we talked a lot today about validation, and how everyone feels they want there feelings, whatever they are to be validated by others. And how ultimately, you just have to accept that whatever you feel, is valid, because thats how you feel. And about realising that no matter what help you have, you are ultimately on your own. actually, thats something ive known since i was about ten. fend for yourself, cos noone else will. And instead of talking about food, and portion size etc etc we talked about the reasons behind why i cant accept and register that information.

and it sums up like this-
i know exactly what all the diff food groups do for your body.i know the logic behind regular eating, and if i reallythought hard, i prob do know about portion size. accept i dont think it applies to me. and not because i think im special-but because i think i am a falilre if i 'give in' and eat. becasue hunger and emptyness=power and control and cnfidence. and thast the way its alwaysbeen-a power game. I think i dont need the 'normal' amounts, cut it down, go bonkers later and binge. and purging is cathartic, and brings about the control feeling from being empty. and tahst just the way it has always been. but its really intereting that i have neither ever before vocalised this, or actually properly acknowledged it. we also talked about si, and how with my bladder injury im really pushing the limits of staying out of hospital. and HTT are ready to give up an discharg me cos hey just dont know what to do with me anymore.i think ive been here before, somehow. and he talked about research linked to SI, and how the place you tended to cut was ndicative of your emotional issues-and apparantly its 'not surprising' that my stomach is my place of choice-very common for those who hav been abused apparanty. which was news to me, cos i cut there cos it hurts, has the potential to be v damaging and cannot be seen.

wow.im not fucked up in the slightest

xxx