years of weight control and misery.
years of trying to make my mum SEE me.
doing the things she wanted me to do; to be the best. horses-it couldnt jusy be a hobby.i had to be the best. Fuck it, for a while i was the best as well. not that it got me anywhere.
School-10 A/A* GCSE's, 4 A grade A levels.
A place at the countries top Vet school
and for what?
nothing, thats what. a year and a bit of a degree that counts for jack shit. A depression that wont shift, follows me wherever i go. Rape. i thought uni was my new chance to be away from my family, to just be. well thanks you dickshit. cos you didnt just rape me.you stole me reason, you stole my dreams and you trashed them with no thought. and thats even worse. you made me hate myself more than i could imagine was even possible. I wake up everyday dying from the guilt of ending that pregnancy. My baby would have been 5 by now. that HURTS. and you dont know, and dont care. i dont care you are in prison. you ruined everything for me.that was my chance to get away from my messed up family, my ties with everything. I had plans, i was going, was changing i could have done it, i could. and you had the balls to look at me like the piece of shit you think i am in court. I hope they beat the shit out of you in there.i hope they make your life a living hell. Do you ever think about me?about the other girls?do you have a conscience?why did you do it?why did you torment me for so long.you oculdnt even just leave it at that. your sick and twisted. you put your name down for my practical group, i know why you swapped with nial.im not stupid. you wanted to make sure id stay quiet.well you needed have worried, cos no one gave a shat anyway.
I woke up cold one night, suddenly relasing why none of my clothes fit; why i felt sick and tired. and the first thing i thought was-im not on my own.i thought i was all this time.but i had my baby. he was surving too.Dorian, i would have called him. the second thing i did was be violently sick because of how the baby got there.
do you know how i knew it was a boy?because i SAW him.i saw the baby, i gave birth to your baby.do you have any idea how traumatic it is to go through a late termination, to see a scan picture, the little babies foot, hes hand in front of his face.well he got that right.id hide form you too. do you know what its like ti be in labour for 16 hours knowing its for nothing. whats its like to see the baby they dont take from you fast enough. to wait desperately, just in case its all a mistake, and the baby cries. begging praying, crying screaing that you didnt do it. i cant leave with the fact hat i did that. from love, overwhelming love at not being alone, a survivor with me, to repulsio that i now cant justify, to love and regret when its all to late.
i hate you. i wish you were dead. you've killed me piece by piece for years. Now, well, i know i dont want to be alive anymore.whats the point when yo wake up everyday hating yourself a little more every single fucking day.
you had the nerve to look me in the eye in court.you fucking wanker. how dare you. you took everything that was left of me.
you have no idea what you did to me. baby dorian.does that make you feel guilty?i fucking hope it does. YOU did that to me. no comment?no,i bet you fucking havnt.
this is where you have got me-
a suicidal deresion
an even worse eating disorder, fuelled by even more self hatred
PTSD
atually, its niteven worth it,you have no concscience anyway.
i hope you go to hell. and i hope that your life is made as miserable as possible.
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
Posts
3 comments:
You sound angry with the asshole who took all those things from you. That's great, he deserves ALL your anger to be directed towards him rather than yourself. It seems so unfair to me that almost universally, people who have been raped hate themselves rather than the rapist, at least to start off with. In my case, hating myself seemed safer and less scary than facing up to the fact that that I had been powerless and that my life had been stolen from me by those monsters. If you can blame yourself, it doesn't hurt as much, because it almost feels like you've chosen and deserved what happened, even though that couldn't be further from the truth. None of the bad things that have happened to you have been your fault Vics. You're a lovely person, there is nothing inherently wrong with you. You are a great friend, a really kind person and I love talking to you. I so wish that I could do something to make things a bit easier. I'm here if you want to talk <3
It's good to hear you externalising some of that anger rather than using it to punish yourself. You are too lovely to suffer for things that aren't your fault.
Hugs
Sarah x
I agree with the others. Don't direct the anger at yourself - because it's not your fault.
You're a precious person who deserves the world.
Thinking and praying for you
xxxxx
Post a Comment