on being the poster girl for messing things up'.

So, I think i'm about to lose my place at Uni. which is pretty shot considering it was, really, the only thing i really had going for me. And its my own stupid crappy fault for fucking up with the self harm.

What makes it really hard to swallow is that it was getting better. If i hadnt of given in that day and cut myself, if i hadnt called for help, then the uni wouldnt have found out. Interestingly we seem to have gone from them being supportive, to 'anything you say will be used against you'. Basically, the uni-occupational health-want access to my psyc notes from the CMHT, and if i dont agree, then i am being non compliant with the conditions of being on the course, ie openess about my mental health. So ive been railroaded into the mother of all catch 22's. Because i have to agree to info sharing to stay here, but in that, they will find out what i have been saying to the psyc at the cmht. which, if im honest is not going to do me any favours.at all.. And now, i dont feel able to talk to anyone, because i dont know who will have access to what i am saying. So now i have all these millions of appointmets, to which my attendance is monitored, and my engagement in the sessions is also noted, except i cant say jack shit without digging myself the biggest grave known to mankind. Also, while the staff were busy being 'supportive', they refered me to the progress monitoring commitee, WITHOUT TELLING ME. so i go to occ health on monday to what i think is an appt to get me signed off pracs cos of the injury, and all get tols that little nugget of info. which means at the emd of the month, they gonna decide if om fit to carry on with the course-decided on wether they can offer me adequate support. On top of this, ive also been bullied into starting to take the venlafaxcin, which is making me feel fabulous, NOT. Because occ health told me it would be deemed unprofessional and unaccetable for me to not follow advice and take the drugs.and they would be checking with cherries on top.

Now, im not saying occupational health dont have a right to check that i am safe to train, and that i will not affect patients that may be in my care in a negative way. I understand their role, and what they are doing. I just didnt think it was in their job spec to bully someone into compliance, by threatening then with exclussion if i dont agree to everything they say. I want to be here, therefore i am more than happy to do, within reason what they want. I go to their appointments, i engage, and i say as much as i feel able to. I show them my scars, i let them check for new wounds so they know im not lying. which is pretty degrading actually. But if they were genuinely being supportive, wouldnt they want me to have a space i felt confident and safe to talk in.cos at the moment im not going to tell anyone anything real, cos its going to come back and hit me in the face tenfold. Does that make sense? cos noone seems to get where i'm coming from with this. to his credit, grandpa psyc was PISSED when i explained all this, and was actually really upset i;d been pushed into the meds, because he wanted me to take them in my own time, thus ending up trusting him more, and not feeling that the decision wasnt mine.

aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggg

please dont take this away from me. i really need this place.i need this chance to do something, and move forward. I really dont know what im going to do if they kick me out.