Bad day

bad bad bad day.

this is the kinda day that makes me forget how much the freaking op wound hurts, disregard it, and do it again.particulary now i know how to make it fairly disasterous. All i really want to do is rip it open and slash that stupid branch artery open again.  Fuck i want to do it soo bad right now,ARG FUCKING HELL.

ok so right now i think im supposed to work out whats making me so stressed/doomed/depressed/appropriate word fails me. Ok, so ironically its the op wound thats pissing me off because it hurts like a bitch and the absess/haematoma thingy under it filled up again overnight, and decided to empty itself whilst i was in a freaking practical class earlier. which was really really gross, and yes i did cry. so now that everyone thinks om even more of a freak, how the heck i am ever going to make some actual friends here. everyone is so cliquey already, and the people i naturally would want to be friends with, im just too quiet and get forgotten, and dont fit in, yknow. And im not cool enough to pull off the 'i dont need friends my own company is enough thing'. The work load snuck up on me. one minute it was easy as pie, all the stuff ive done a million times before leaving me enough time to be a headcase without it causing issues, and all of sudden its a million times harder, thoroughly overwhelming (we have to learn more anatomy than a medic, and they teach all of it in a fucking fortnight!!!), and then i make it a while lot worse by dealing in my eneviatable way, landing up in hospital and missing loads more.which makes me even more stresses. And now uni think im officialy nuts, (and CMHT for that matter) i have all these ENDLESS occupational health appointments, and psyc appts and on it fucking goes (not just grandpa psyc from cmht, also have to see uni' psyc, why did i want to come to a proper medical school again??) which makes me miss more and more work, cos they cant seem to understand that actually, i DONT HAVE ANY FREE TIME ARG and no time is a good time, actually, for an appt. And i cant do any of my other 'arg im stressed cures', like playing katy perry REALLY LOUDLY for ten minutes until i feel better, or go in a different room away from it or all the other stuff cos i live in freaking halls which i HATE.  I think even george the skeleton wants me to chill out, because i just accidently knocked several f his teeth out.sorry george, i will but some glue tomorow. then my tutor forgot to tell me she was off sick today, which was freaking annoying cos i pretty much dragged my gammy leg/tummy in this afternoon for nothing, and the 20 min walk to uni is currently taking me an hour, so im not that amused.

ive got a doctors appt right bang in the middle of a set of lectures tomorow, which is really fucking annoying. and im now on my fourth set of clothes today cos my stupid wound has leaked its gammyness over everything i own today.multiple times.yummy. and then my old friends from london have NO FUCKING CONCEPT OF THE FACT THAT I DONT HAVE NEVER ENDING SUPPLIES OF TIME TO SOLVE THEIR DRAMA's, and that i realy dont give a shit. my old friend from college is always nagging me to go and see her, and i dont want to.it takes hours to get there, which i really dont have, it costs a fortune to get there , and i just dont want to actually. and she moans when i try and leave to go home, so end up spending soooo long there. and is still cant ever manage to get in the kitchen without someone following me in there and asking endless questions about what im cooking/having for dinner etc etc PEOPLE CANT YOU SEE THAT I DONT WANT YOU TO FUCKING NOTICE/TALK TO ME ABOUT IT WHICH IS WHY ITS 2AM AND IM MAKING MY DINNER YOU KNOB.AFTER IVE WASHED ALL MY STUFF UP SO I CAN USE IT, THANKS FOR THAT.

I think ive actually lost it. and i still feel like i want to cut myself to pieces.

stress, dunno what that means.