needing something....but i dont know what

I feel horrid. Like depressed horrid, and also like the most horrid person in the world. Everything feels nasty inside of me. especially the half stone that i suddenly put back on retty much overnight.thanks for that body. I dont want to be me, anyone but me. please. I'm feeling really stressed right now-im worried about what is going to happen with my treatment plan from the hospital-basically nothing, it seems-and about yet more exams in january which means more stress and revision. I need to do well-like this intrunsic need to not fail, but trying to revise makes me freak out and feel stressed and then i end up spending more time freaking out than working. I want to cut myself to pieces and curl up and die.

I just cant do it.its so pathetic i know, because i dont really know whats wrong. but i just feel overwhelmed by life, and the effort of everything. Its so hard to get up out of bed, talk, function. Its christmas-whoop-di-do. I just dont get it.

christmas when i was a kid was a non event. actually thats not really true-it was a god awful nightmare, but you know what i mean. when i was 12, she tried to kill herself. 13- i think that was the time she literally forgot it was christmas. I gave her a present and she dropped it in the bin, in a confused haze. whatever. Christmas dinner was always interesting, as im sure you can imagine. Family-well frankly i dont see the big deal. If anyone had actually cared they would have got me the hell out of there. One christmas i got told i couldnt have dinner because id gained half a kg. fabulous. and a few christmas's in between were spent visiting mum in hospital, whilst she got the tube fed version of dinner. Merry christmas.

now the idea is in my head, i cant get away from it. I mean-mum did it, so where there is a will, theres a way. I think the only way i could manage it is through cutting badly enough. its just there banging away in my head. i want it to go away and leave me alone space to breathe. but i dont, not really. I want my head to tell me how to do it.

Because its not alright and its not ok, and i dont think i can make it anything else.