Yesterday i had my first physio exam, and hurray, it seems i have made it through an entire term, although i would have to concede that nearly killing myself wasnt the best start to the academic year. Hey ho.
So I've done the student thing-I've turned up to (a few ) lectures, been to all my seminars, practicals and tutorials. I've been hineously drunk and made a tit of myself. I've got dressed up and gone out, I've kissed boys I shouldnt have at SU Disco's and rocked a whole lot of fancy dress outfits. I drank many, many Kahlua based cocktails last night at the end of term/post exam party, declared my ridiculous crish on somebody and fell in a bush on the way home.
I've also spent a lot of time in occupational health, hospital and at the CMHT. God damn people what more do you want??? why isnt that enough? I do my schoolwork, I force myself to appear to be having a good time, i participate and i joined your stupid clubs. What the fuck else do people want, seriously??? Everytime i see grandpa psyc, and at the EDS they always go on about social life and friends and 'particpating'. Im bloody trying, alright. But you know what, just keeping myself alive takes up all my time and energy most of the time right now, so anything else can just sod off. I have friends, Amazing friends back home and from when I was younger, and I have met some lovely people here. But clearly, its not enough unless im some sort of 'miss teen prom queen rarararara chairperson of every society going type'. Im 26, I want to go to school, and watch eastenders and go to bed when i get home, not go out partying like a crazy teen every single night. Been there done that.
I've been really upset today. I had ny follow up with the EDS today, and she was asking me lots more detail about flashbacks and things, and then said that BPD had come up in the team meeting, WHEN SHE TOLD ME LAST TIME THAT SHE DIDNT THINK THAT WAS THE ISSUE AND THAT CLEARLY BEHAVIOURS CAN BE LINKED TO TRAUMA AND GROWING UP WITH A DYSFUNCTIONAL FUCKED UP FAMILY.RAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
why does it always come back to that? Its not the label that annoys me, its the stigma attatched to it. But the thing is, it doesnt how matter how lovely you are when you talk to me about BPD, it makes me feel like i dont have the right to be upset and traumatised by being raped, and fucked up from everything else. Because its like your just telling me that im BPD, and therefore am just 'like that'. It makes me feel like i cant be upset, and i hate it. I thought someone was listening to me for once, and then she was all like 'the team think you should go to DBT group because we dont like to use individual based therapies with a diagnosis of BPD'. This being after i told her last time i went to a group and they tried to teach us mindfulness, i had such horrific flashbacks i ended up in hospital for 2 weeks. it made it a little more bearable because she clearly wasnt agreeing with the team, and could see how pissed off it made me-she got it when i told her i felt like i couldnt be angry/upset about stuff that happened. She still wants to get me on the day unit, but the list is so long it wouldnt be until at least next summer. But its ok, cos in the meantime i can go to 'group for people that are on our wait list'. great, thanks.
I do not have fucking a personality disorder. I know what I feel, when and why I am feeling it. I just dont happen to like what i feel like most of the time. You wouldnt trust people either if you'd lived through my sheet, and you'd also probably feel really insecure and anxious. AAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.
The thing is-fine, label me with whatever, cos its all bullshit. But now I cant get the fucking help i actually need. She said herself theres no way I could be expected to get better from a self help book on eating disorders, it was more comples and that id need a lot of help, and dietic support. So why the fuck do you say that then tell me I cant have it???? And now she needs to convince the rest of the team that the day unit is a good option for me, and that they shouldnt just redirect me to the 'dont bother they have a personality disorder' service.
FOR FUCK SAKE. do i actually need to be dead before someone understands where im coming from?
Irregular Choice Festive Footwear 2022: Day 20
3 years ago
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Argh, sorry they're playing the BPD card with you again. I got a similar response three years ago when I finally got to the end of one of my waiting lists. They didn't tell me I had BPD, but they did say that they needed everyone who exhibited self destructive behaviours to go through a year of DBT before going into trauma therapy, to try and stabilise them. Put that way I could understand it, and I accepted. I would have had a whole year of group and individual DBT and then been moved onto CAT if I hadn't gone under their BMI limit and been chucked out. I also had the same reaction to mindfulness as you did at first - it fed into my hypervigilence and made me really panicky, like focussing on one tiny object made everything else in the world correspondingly larger and more overwhelming. But when I got proper instruction in the techniques that stopped and I really began to find them useful. They are not just used for BPD now, it's for anyone who suffers from addictions, SI, EDs, anxiety or chronic depression. Maybe the therapist who tried to teach you the first time didn't explain it very well, but I have seen some rather miraculous recoveries of people using DBT, people who self harmed to the extent of needing surgery regularly completely stopping after a year. Having said that, if it's just a DBT group without the individual therapy component too I think they are dreadful cheapskates and should be ashamed of themselves, because DBT works best when a person gets both parts together. NHS, eh? I really hope they offer you something that helps <3
BPD as a diagnosis fucks me off.....namely because I have it, I tick the-years of help, rape, flashbacks, both si and an ed(aka self destructive), personally the way i have been treated since getting it, is, theres no point in anything with you, it wont work, so we just wont bother, so what if meds help, we dont think they work for bpd, so what if you've got therapy which would help, we're not going to give it to you because it doesnt fit with bpd.....
Sorry about that rant, I really could go on for ages.....and im trying hard not to. However if you ever want to rant with me,feel free....
I hope they do stop being tosspots and actually helping.....I also get what you mean about uni....they seem to forget at times the importance of the alive part of ther equation.
*hugs*
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